Insomnia
by twilight.freak-2012
Summary: Similar to Speak. Cass cant sleep. Something haunts her thoughts and dreams, preventing her from sleep. Pills, caffeine, therapy,nothing helps. Until Owen falls into her life. With problems of his own, can he help Cass? Inside Summary!
1. Chapter 1

How many sleepless nights can one person stand? Cass hasn't gotten a full nights rest in over three years. What had her to scared to sleep for years, now haunts her ability to sleep. With a desire to finally just sleep, a caffeine addiction doesn't help.

A mother who is controlling, and a father who seems lost to everything about Cass. Her family life is nonexistent, and she has no friends. But after meeting Owen, he seems intrigued by her lack of the ability to sleep. He opens Cass to a secret she has kept to herself all these years. The reason why she was scared to sleep, and why it wont let her sleep when she most desperately wants it.

But Owen has problems of his own. An alcoholic mother, a nasty habit for experimenting with drugs, and is a borderline schizophrenic.

Cass thinks that Owen can finally help her sleep. For better or for worse?

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Don't worry, the plot will develop. I got the idea after Seven Pounds. I cried my eyes out and got this fantastic idea. This is just the summary, and I suck at summaries. Tell me what you think!

Is it worth continuing?

Review and tell me.

I loved the book Speak, and it helped give me the idea.

If you like really good, but sad movies, Watch Seven Pounds!


	2. Chapter 2

**Insomnia**

Did you ever lie awake at night, just…thinking? About everything and anything? I do, every night. I think about the past, the future, the present. I think of all the wondrous far off places, I will never get to see. I think about dreaming, and how I wish I could dream again.

I loved to dream. I loved the feeling after waking up from a dream. As if you were part of a world, that only you knew. The things you could do in that dream, which you could not do in reality. That is why I loved to dream, the places I knew I could never see, were brought to me in my dreams. However, I do not dream anymore. I still have my dream diary, where I wrote every dream I ever had. It still sits beside my bed. Only now it was only little more than a storybook. A book of fairytales and myth.

When I sit awake at night, thinking, I would take the diary from under my bed and read past dreams. I liked to pretend that I was once normal. Like I was like everyone else. I would read a dream, then close my eyes and pretend I was dreaming that dream.

There is not much to do at night anymore. You might think that you can do at night whatever you do during the day, but I do not do much then either. I lie awake at night, a wish I could just sleep. At first, when I was diagnosed, they told me I was scared to sleep. Scared I might never wake up. That was true- but I didn't tell them the real reason.

Now I take my sleeping pills when I'm told, and wish for once that they will work. Wish that when I finally sleep, that I will rest peacefully, forever. I want to sleep and never wake up. I want exactly what I cant have. I want to sleep, because I'm always tired. I close my eyes, but I stay awake. I can only get a few minutes throughout the day. Its not restful, its my body begging. Begging my mind to let it sleep. I'm an insomniac.

There were days like today, where I hated my mother. I walk down the stairs into the kitchen and search for the coffee. I wasn't that I wanted to stay awake, I just wanted the caffeine. Back when I wanted to stay awake, I constantly drink coffee, and now I'm addicted to the caffeine. She still hides the coffee from me to prevent me from trying to stay awake. If she even listen to me in the past year and a half, she would know that I had no desire to be awake.

"There isn't anymore," she said as she entered the kitchen. She was dressed in her usual grey pant suit with a briefcase in hand.

"What's that, then?" I asked pointing to the steaming Styrofoam cup.

"Your father brought me some coffee." I looked at her and wanted to kill her. "Don't look at me like that. You don't need coffee. Your eighteen, drink a soda." she said.

"I don't want a soda, I want coffee. I thought we've been through this. I have a caffeine addiction, do you want me to go through the day without it?" I asked.

"No," she said taking the cup from the table. "but you need to get over this addiction. The doctor said it would help."

I rolled my eyes. "Today I just really like to have a cup of coffee. Tomorrow, I promise, I'll stop."

She shook her head. "No Cass. You told me that last month, and the month before that. If you insist on acting like a child, then I'll treat you like one."

I glared at her. "Then what is supposed to get me through the day?" I asked.

She smiled. "Take a nap sweetheart. It'll do you good." she came over and kissed my cheek, but scrunched my face. "Have a good day."

She opened the back door and left it opened. I yelled and slammed the door. I fell to the ground and cried. Not because I couldn't get my coffee, or because my mother thought depriving me of caffeine would cure my addiction, but because I was so damn tired. My body ached, my head ached, my soul ached. Hurting all over and wishing, I could just sleep, for five minutes. Wishing that I just sleep, and never wake up.

I dragged myself to the couch and laid there on that old blue sofa, looking at the ceiling. Hoping I maybe get in a few minutes of sleep. I usually could only sleep in the morning. Never for more than an hour at a time. Today I felt like I be lucky if I got twenty minutes.

There wasn't much I could do. Television held no interest for me. I hated watching TV. The radio was annoying and loud. And I didn't dare even look at the computer. If I even got on the internet, I spend hours searching for sleeping remedies. I tried everything there was. Nothing could help me sleep. Absolutely nothing.

The only thing good about insomnia, I passed time for me. I mine as well have been sleeping for how fast time went. It was already three o clock. Great, I had to go to work. I went upstairs and changed into my vest. I grabbed my purse and shoes and headed out the door. I caught the bus at about three thirty and it took me to the Plaza. That's what me and my friends called it. Well, we used to, now I didn't have any friends.

I walked into the local grocery store called Dave's Market. It's where I worked. Two to nine weekdays, four to eight weekends. I'm not supposed to work to much. Stress is one of the causes of insomnia. Whatever. Sometimes I thought those doctors were out of there minds.

"Cassidy?" Ms. Thomas called my name.

I smiled. She came here twice a week. Fridays, like today, and Sundays. "Yes, Ms. Thomas."

"Could you help with my groceries?" she asked.

I nodded. "Sure." I said taking the brown paper bags from her and carrying them to her car.

"You are such a dear." she said in her cute grandma voice.

"Its no trouble. You have a lot more today." I commented.

"Yes, my great-niece, June, had her baby three days ago. We're having a party at my house." she said with her bright blue eyes twinkling.

I smiled. "That's nice."

"Would you like to come over? I think you like June, she's about your age."

I rolled my eyes. "Do you know how old I am, Ms. Thomas?"

"Twenty-four?" she guesses

I laughed. " I'm eighteen."

"Well, I wouldn't have guessed. You always have those dark circles under your eyes, they make you look older." she said. " I think a party is just what you need."

I shook my head. "No, but thank you. I have to work tomorrow anyway."

"Oh, that's too bad. But if you get done early, you can always stop by." she said.

"Thanks, but I highly doubt it. Good luck with the party, though," I said, walking away.

I usually didn't like to be bothered by little old ladies, but Ms. Thomas was different. She was the only person in my life that seemed to care about me. The only one aware that I was a human being with feelings. I walked into the store and into the back room where the lockers were. I kept my name tag in there.

I punched myself in, and stood behind a counter for the next four hours. Pretending like I wanted to stand there, smiling at so many faces that they blurred. Scanning so much food, that it made me nauseated. At eight, on the dot, I was so glad to be free. But wished I was escaping to I place I wanted to be.

I walked into the dark parking lot, heading to the spot where my father always waited for me. One disadvantage to being and insomniac, I couldn't drive. The medicine I took made it impossible to operate heavy machinery, including a car.

Got into the car, and stared straight ahead. "How was work?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Alright."

My father was not a man of many words. Every night he picked me up from work, he started the same conversation. I always responded the same as always. Avoiding any details.

"Your mother thinks that you should stop with the caffeine." he said.

I shook my head again and rolled my eyes. "I kind of figured that out this morning, when she didn't allow me coffee."

"She's right you know. You need to get some sleep, Cass. Its not healthy. You're a big girl now, you need to get over this insomnia."

I couldn't believe my ears. Get over it? How is that even possible? What does he think I've been trying to do for the past year? See if sleep deprivation would kill me? "Its not that easy, you know that. If I'm such a big girl now, why wont you let me move out?" I asked.

"Cass, the doctor thinks you being on your own wont help anything. He's right, you barely talk as it is." Oh, so he's noticed?

"Nothing helps, anyway." I whispered and stared out the window as we drove.

"Cass. You need to talk about this, your making your mother worried." I didn't answer. Just kept staring. "Don't ignore me, Cassidy."

I sighed and the window steamed up. "Why? You ignore me, you both do."

"That's absurd. Your mother and I are very concerned about you."

I shook my head. They weren't concerned about me, think didn't even like me. "I'm done with this conversation." I said.

He didn't say anything. I knew he wouldn't. When I didn't talk, they didn't see any reason to pursue my attention. So… I didn't talk often. There were days when I didn't talk at all. Not to one person.

When we pulled up to the house, I ran into the house and up the stairs. I walked to my room, and closed the door lightly. Its not good to have both parents at the same time mad at you.

I did my nightly ritual, like always. Took a shower, brushed my teeth, dried my hair. Today though, I looked into the mirror. I looked at myself in light blue pajamas. I saw my dark brown hair frizzy from the steam. I looked into my hazel eyes, and begged my self to sleep. To just lay down tonight and sleep. Because if there wasn't a better time in my life to be normal, it was now. I was an adult, but I felt like a teenager still. Living with my parents.

"Cass!" my mother called from the stairs. "Dinner's ready!"

It was nine o clock, and I was having dinner. It was usually like this on Fridays. Both of my parents worked late, so dinner was usually picked up, or ordered out.

I reached into the medicine cabinet and grabbed my prescriptions. I was taking three different medicines now. Not as bad as two years ago. I was taking five then.

One was for sleeping, I took that before I ate, not at bedtime like I was supposed to. For one, I had no precise time that slept, because I didn't sleep. Second, I hadn't eaten all day, and if I took it later tonight when I thought maybe I give sleeping a try, then it give me a stomach ache.

The second one, was for anxiety. That was to be taken before dinner. And the third was an antidepressant. Sometimes it felt like it was the only thing keeping me going. Like there was no reason to live, but I still lived. I never had thoughts of suicide after I started taking the antidepressant, but I always wondered what it be like to be dead.

I shuffled down the stairs and into the kitchen. We never ate in the dining room, it was only for show. I sat down at my usual chair and stared at my order of Chinese food. They always ordered me the same thing. Sweet and sour chicken.

I grabbed my fork and pushed the food around on my plate. "Cass, did you not eat again today?" my mother asked.

I sighed and took a bite of my food. "Of course not mother." That was my usual answer. Say whatever she wanted to hear.

She shook her head and went back to eating. "Did work go okay?" she asked.

I shrugged.

"Did you do alright without your coffee?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"Are you just not going to talk?" she asked.

I, again, shrugged.

"Cass, you better not stop talking again. Its childish."

I didn't do anything this time. I just stared at my plate and popped another piece of chicken into my mouth.

"Cass wouldn't you like to go to the beauty parlor with me tomorrow?" she asked. I shrugged. "You would look so lovely with highlights," she said fingering my long, dark, scraggly hair. "Wouldn't she Gerald?" she directed to my father.

"I think your mother's right Cass." he said.

"Am I so hideous that I need forced to beauty parlor?" I whispered.

"Oh, no dear." my mother said petting my hair as if I were a dog. "you look lovely, but every girl wants to be improved." she gushed.

I sighed. It was no use. They hated me, and the way I looked.

"You and your mother should have some grown up girl bonding time, Cass." my father interjected.

"I don't care what I look like." I grumbled. "What does it matter anyway? Guys don't look at me anyway."

"Well if you do your hair and not wear so much black they might give you a second glance." my mother yelled.

That was it. I tried to have a nice dinner with them, but they always do this. Why do I even try? "May I be excused?" I asked.

"No you may not. You haven't eaten all day. I can tell. Finish that first, then we're going to talk about what we're going to do with your hair tomorrow." she said.

I shook my head. "I'm not a child, I was only asking to be polite." I said getting up from table.

"SIT DOWN, YOUNG LADY!" my father commanded. "Listen to your mother!"

I sat down. I didn't know why, but they had this control over me. "I'm not hungry. Can I please leave?" I begged.

"You are not going to starve yourself again. You look terrible skinny." my mother explained.

"Can I just go lie down, I'll eat junk food tomorrow to make up for it?" It was probably true though, I didn't have to work till four.

"No, when I get home from work we're going to the salon!"

I sighed. "I'm really tired, can I just go to bed?" I asked.

Their eyes brighten. "Of course sweetheart. Go get some sleep, It'll do you good."

Yeah, whatever. I usually told them this just to get them out of my face. I didn't sleep at night, ever. Occasionally in the mornings, but never at night. I probably sit up all night listening to Within Temptation or Evanescence.

I walked up the stairs slowly, and went into my dark room. The moon shone through the window, but tonight it didn't bother me. I left the curtains open and crashed onto my bed. I laid there thinking about that night. The night that I last slept. The moon reminded me terribly of that night. The moon shone on me like it did that night, but it didn't scare me. I lost everything that night.

I pulled my dream diary from under the bed. Its been almost a month since I last read it. I opened up to my favorite dream. One I wished was real.

The sky swirled with color. Purples, blues and pinks. I could walk across the water, and not even make a ripple. The sun was no where in sight, but the world was bright. The air was crisp and clean, refreshing to the lungs. Candy clouds of lullaby.

The sound of laughing and animals was all that was heard, but in the distance I could hear the hooves on the cobblestone road. Around the corner he came, my knight in shining armor. His blonde hair blowing in wind, his crystal blue eyes holding nothing but his love and deep admiration for me. He rides up to the river bank and dismounts his steed.

He says. "Dearest Princess, come into my arms. Let me envelope you in my embrace. I wish to feel the softness of your skin, the fragrance of your hair. Let me love you my dearest love."

I look down at myself to see I'm in a light green gown. I look back up at him and he continues. "You are so utterly heartbreakingly beautiful. I only wish to hear the sound of your voice, my love."

I gather my skirts and run off the water and into the arms of my prince. His arms constrict around me. "I love you, dearest prince," I whisper. "You are everything I could ever wish for."

He smiles down at me and presses his lips to my hair. He inhales my scent and I do so to him. He smells like heaven.

The End

I had that dream all the time through my childhood. I always wished I prince would sweep me off my feet as I sat bored in classes, but I didn't think like that anymore. Princes didn't exist, and even if they did, they didn't come to rescue girls like me. Princesses are supposed to be beautiful, graceful, elegant. I wasn't any of those things. I didn't belong in a fairytale, I knew that now. I thought I had found a prince three years ago, but all I found was a toad. A foul, evil, ugly toad. And when I kissed him, he turned into a murderous dragon.

Three years ago…

3 p.m. June 6, 2006

"I cant believe it Cass, we got invited to a senior party!" Randi gushed as she jumped up and down.

"I know. We're the coolest ninth graders ever!" I yelled.

We laughed and rolled on the floor of my pink bedroom. "What are you talking about? Vincent asked you to come. He only told me I could come because I was standing right there. I think he likes you Cass!" Randi gushed.

"Oh me too! Wait, Oh my gosh, I don't have anything to wear!" I panicked.

"Calm down Cass. What about that blue dress?" she asked.

"I cant wear blue! I only look good in red, you're the blonde, you wear it."

"Okay, but does your mom have a red dress you can borrow?" she asked.

I thought for a minute. "I don't know. The only red one she has is really expensive, she kill me if I even thought about wearing it." I said.

"Come on Cass," Randi said as she gripped my arms. "What kind of teenager are you? We don't ask permission, as long as she doesn't find out it doesn't matter."

I sighed. "She'll kill me Randi, literally. Plus I don't have any shoes that match, and hers are too big."

She grinned. "I have a perfect pair of black heels that will go perfectly with any red dress. Come on, just sneak in, grab it, and get out."

"Then what? Put it in the laundry for her to kill me?" I asked.

"No, be careful to not get anything on it. It will be fine."

I smiled. "Okay, lets do it!"

"Yay!" she gushed. She hugged me fiercely and I hugged her back. We laughed and giggled non stop as we rolled on the ground. We were such utter dorks. But we didn't care.

We were going to a senior party! And we were freshmen. Vincent Young, the hottest, and most popular guy in school, asked me, boring, unattractive, plain me! He said 'Hey, Cassidy. Want to go to the senior party?'. Of course all I could mutter was 'um…'. He laughed and stroked my cheek and said. 'your cute when your speechless'. Yes, he said I was cute! And he touched me, he actually touched the skin on my face. The skin that seemed so untouchable, now Vincent Young was touching. Whatever god was out there, he loved me, because I didn't deserve this stroke of luck. So he asked again. 'Cass, want to go to the party with me?'. This time I was ready with an answer, 'Yes!' I shouted. He laughed and kissed my cheek. I thought I just die right there.

Then "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. came on the radio. We broke apart and began to sing along with the song. This was our song.

'all I want to do is(bang, bang, bang)'

'Ca ching,'

'And take your money'

'all I want to do is(bang, bang, bang)'

'Ca ching,'

'And take your money'.

All night I went through that night. The night that haunted my dreams. Well, it used to. Now all I ever did was think about it. Especially at night. When there was nothing else to do. I listen to the rain. It didn't rain often, but when it did it kept me occupied. I listen as it hit the window pain, cleansing the earth. Sometimes I wished it cleanse me. Everything that ever happened over the past three years would just wash away.

But it never would. It was always there, eating away at me. Sometimes I wondered if it would destroy me entirely. Eat at my heart, my soul, my body, until there was only an empty shell of Cass. I wondered if I die, or would I keep living, but there would be no me. Would I be eaten away till there was only a body? But how long would it take till it ate at my body? Surely I would die before it went that far. As it began to eat at my soul, I surely end my suffering. I was strong enough for that wasn't I? I had no heart by then, maybe I wouldn't have the heart to kill myself. Slowly it eats. Eating at me, and everything I was. I'm an entirely new person. I want to go back to believing in everything, and knowing nothing at all.

My alarm clock screams. I don't even know why I use it. Maybe to pretend that I'm normal. I have a huge headache. I symptom of withdrawal from caffeine. Ugh… another day. I dress quickly and stop at the doorway and take a deep breath. I smell blueberry pancakes. The only meal my mother knows how to make. She's been making them every Saturday morning for as long as I can remember.

I linger at the doorway, I feel even worse then usual. No sleep and withdrawal, I think they want to kill me. Well, I wish they get it over with.

"Cass! Breakfast!" the 'monsters' scream my name. When they scream my name like that, I think of monsters. I don't know why, but to me it suits them well.

I stumble down the stairs looking at all my school photos and family portraits. I stop at the mirror at the landing. I stare at myself. I look ugly. I look like I climbed out of a Stephen King novel. I hate myself. There was actually a time where I thought myself attractive. All those years of braces and stringy hair, and I came out of fifth grade completely flawless, but now, I don't know what happened. Now I know the meaning of beauty sleep.

I walk into the kitchen and slump into a chair. I cross my arms across my chest and look at the coffee pot. Nothing. Great, this headache was going to get worse. My father was leaned back in his chair reading a newspaper drinking a Styrofoam cup of coffee. I glared with envy.

My mother was at the stove, her light brown hair tied up into a bun , a pink apron tied around her waist, a pancake flipper in each hand.

She turns around and her face falls. "Of nice Cass, black. I know black is slimming, but there is such thing as over doing it."

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"No, no, I'm just saying you should try some different colors. I nice pink would bring you some color."

"I don't own any pink." I scowled.

She turned back to the stove. "Well if you didn't go on that wild rampage two years ago, you have a decent wardrobe."

I smirked at the though. Two years ago, my sophomore year, I took all my old clothes and burned them in the back yard. She thought I was crazy, and it was the topic in therapy for over a month. Turned out she was right.

"You mother's right Cass. You need some new clothes." my father spoke around his coffee.

I wanted to pry the cup from his lips. "I don't need new clothes, I'm happy with the way I dress."

"No," my mother said placing a light blue plate of blueberry pancakes in front of me. " You only think you are, but you're not. You've been in this funk long enough Cass, its time to try a new look."

I rolled my eyes and started to butter my pancakes. I didn't want to talk anymore. She was impossible. She thought I wanted to be like this, she didn't know the half of it, but I didn't have anyone to blame but myself.

She sighed and sat down beside me taking my hand. "Cassidy, why wont you talk to us baby? We love you, we only want to help you."

I shrugged and tore my hand from hers. She didn't want to help me. She wanted me to go back to the old Cassidy McBain. The beautiful, carefree daughter they were proud of. She wanted to have a daughter she could brag about, not hide away.

She started to cry. "Gerald, I just don't know what to do anymore. She hates me. I want my daughter back." she got up and went upstairs, crying louder as she went.

"Roxanne, come back!" my father called out to her. "Are you happy now? I don't know why you're doing this to her. She has been waiting patiently for you to move on from this childish stage, but you refuse. She tries to talk about, you shut yourself up. I don't know what you're hiding from, but all we want to do is help you Cassidy. This is hard on all of us. You go through these spells of catatonia. No eating, no talking, an no sleeping. How can we help you if you wont let us?"

I say nothing. Not because I have nothing to say, but because they wont understand a word I said. It started with no words to be said, but now I had so much to say, but….

"Cassidy, you have to talk. Just tell us what happened." he said.

I stopped eating. My face glazed over, replaying that moment, over and over. I blinked, and then it was gone. 'His' face was gone.

I pushed my half eaten pancakes away, crossing my arms in front of my chest. " I have nothing to say." I mumble.

"Why are you like this? You're killing yourself, you know? Slowly you're killing yourself. And you expect us to sit here and watch? You're mother is starting to gray, I can't even have a full head of hair anymore."

"And you think its my fault? That I did that to you? That wasn't me, that was mother nature. You guys are getting old, get over it! You cant blame me for all your problems. Maybe I don't talk because you are both self centered jerks who blame everything but themselves for their problems. This is the way I am. I don't know what happened, but for some reason I cant sleep, and I hate talking. Sue me, I have problems, everyone does, even you. I rather be a catatonic freak, then a self centered asshole. So excuse me for being different then your fantasy daughter. Get over yourselves and leave me the hell alone!" I grab the coffee from his hands and stormed out of the room.

It was probably the lack of caffeine talking. I was so aggravated, but the instant that coffee hit the back of my throat I was in heaven. "Cass, what's the matter, why were you yelling?" my mother asked with a tear stained face.

I smiled and kissed her cheek. "I feel better now. I'm going to take a walk okay."

She was shocked. She stared at me as I walked out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

At three o clock I returned home. The caffeine burst gave me so much energy, but I walked it off. I walked all morning and most of the afternoon. Now when it started getting close for me to get to work I ran back home.

So now, as I'm walking through the door, I feeling the caffeine leave my system. I feel the crash coming, and hope today I might get a nap. I stumble into the living room and fall back onto the pink floral couch. I throw my arm across my eyes, and beg for sleep.

There isn't much I can do to make me sleep. All I can do is relax my mind, don't think and breathe deep. Loosen my muscles, get comfortable and just _sleep_.

"Cassidy Ann McBain, where on earth have you been?" my mother's screeching voice pierces me.

I sigh. "I told you I was going for a walk. Why aren't you at work anyway?" I ask.

"I couldn't go to work knowing my daughter was god knows where. I called off, so I could wait for you. I just don't understand Cass. You yell at your father, then storm out and don't return for hours. You don't eat, you don't sleep you don't talk, what do you expect us to do with you?" she asked.

I couldn't believe as soon as I come in the door she starts nagging. Wouldn't even give me five minutes of sleep. I was _finally _tired, but she had to ruin it. I could practically imagine her tapping her pink heel.

"Well? Say something!" she yells. Silence. "See this is what I'm talking about. Never acting like a human being that communicates. Just laying around like a bump on a log, never interacting with anything or anybody."

I sigh. Still laying back on the couch. "Cassidy, I've had enough! I can not stand this. My only daughter, acting like a ghost. Why do you even bother?"

Did she really say that? Why did I even bother acting like a ghost? To me it sounded as if she prefer me to be dead. To stop trying to be alive because I just be better off dead. Maybe I do her a favor and end her suffering and my own. Just kill myself tonight while she slept in her perfect bed, with her perfect husband.

I sat up. "I have to get ready for work." I mutter.

"I don't know why you even go. You don't spend the money. You don't do anything with your life." she says.

I shrug. "What do you want me to do?" I ask.

She came forward and took my face in her hands. I tired to turn away, but she wouldn't have it. "I want you to be happy." she cried. Tears spilling down her face. When she cried in front of me I let my face glaze over, I wasn't effected by her when I did this. She looked into my lifeless eyes and cried harder. "I wish you love me, I wish you love something. Life is supposed to be great for you, you should be in college, and have fun, but I cant let you go away if I think you're suffering." she says.

I single tear trickled out. "I'm suffering here too." I croak.

"Oh baby." she hugs me to her. Kissing my hair. "I wish you tell me what's wrong. Tell me what hurts you, what your to scared to tell. What keeps you awake? Tell someone baby. Tell me, no one loves you like I do."

I turn my head away. "You would never understand." I say.

"Help me baby. I want to help you. Your so beautiful when your happy, I just want my daughter back, not this shell."

I push away from her. "You will never understand." I say. "Its not your fault. I don't blame you for it. I just… need to find my own way in life."

Today could not have gotten any worse. My father is late. Its eight thirty seven and he's still not here. I wonder what important thing came up that prevented him from arriving on time. As I stood there in the freezing cold in nothing but a light denim jacket, I began to hate my father. He was only doing this because I yelled at him this morning. Everything I told him was the truth, but he didn't want to hear it. Him and my mother were oblivious to everything. It was incredible that they got this far in life.

"Hey, you want a ride." a boy in a blue pick up truck said as he pulls up the curb.

"No, I'm fine. Just waiting for my ride." I said politely.

The frigid wind whips through my hair, and I shiver. "Come on. I cant leave you hear, especially if you don't have a proper jacket."

I shook my head and cross my arms over my chest. "No, thanks. He'll be here any minute." I say.

He sighs, turns off the ignition and gets out of his truck. "Um… what are you doing?" I ask.

He comes around and stands in front of me. "I don't want to leave you here by yourself at ten o clock at night. I'll wait with you." he says.

I sigh. "Listen, its fine. He's running late for some reason. I'll be fine." I say.

He shakes his head. "No can do. But I'll tell you what, let me give you a ride, and you'll be free from my clutches." he laughs.

I sigh. "Fine. But only cause my ride is pissing me off." he smiles and opens the passenger door for me. Something guys don't so anymore.

As I sit in his car waiting for him to come around, all I can smell is smoke and pine air freshener.

"Sorry about the smell," he says. " I usually don't smoke."

I say nothing. He sighs and starts the car. He rolls down the window to get some of the stench out, but the cold air makes me shiver. He doesn't notice.

He looks at me, waiting. " I live on Chestnut Blvd." I say.

He nods and drives down the empty streets. I try to ignore him, but he is hard to ignore. "So?" he says.

"So?" I say.

"Did your boyfriend forget to pick you up?" he asks.

I shake my head and turn to the window. "I want waiting for my boyfriend," I laugh. " I was waiting for my dad. I don't even have a boyfriend." I say.

"Really?," he says and turns back to the road. "I was sure you have a boyfriend."

I turn to him. "Then why would you pick me up? Are you trying to piss off someone's boyfriend?"

He shakes his head. His shaggy blonde hair blowing in the wind. " No, I'm just known for being a risk taker."

"And what does that entitle?" I ask.

"Well, lets just say I do some really stupid shit." he laughs.

I laugh too. The sound is so foreign to me, I cant remember the last time I did it. "Why do you do it if you think its so stupid."

His face is deep in thought. The blue lights off the dashboard illuminate his face. His eyes are blue. "Well, lets just say I'm not in my right mind."

"So, you're a basket case?" I ask.

He nods. "Sure, but we all have problems. And its not so bad, I mean, they let me drive." he smiles.

His smile is warming. I want to smile too, but it hurts my face. "There isn't much they let me do. They don't let me drive." I say.

"Oh." That's all he says. Nothing more nothing less.

He turns onto Chestnut Blvd. He slows down. " I'm on the right side. The big white one." I say.

He pulls up in front of the house. The porch light shines into the car. "Thanks." I say, but he locks the door.

"Is this the part where you kidnap me?," I ask.

He shakes his head, his white smile gleaming in the light. "No, I just didn't catch your name." he says.

I try to smile, but it's a grimace. "I'm Cass." I say.

"Nice to meet you Cassidy, I'm Owen." he says as he holds out his hand for me to shake.

I grasp it lightly. His hand is warm and soft. "Nice to meet you too." I say. He keeps on smiling. "Can you open the door now?" I ask.

"Oh, right." he pushes the button and unlocks the door. I open the door and he says. "Will I ever see you again?"

I shrug. A smile finally breaking through. "I don't know. But then again, you do know where I live."


	4. Chapter 4

Today is utterly the worst day of my life. I walk through the door to find my mother and father curled up in the living room watching television. I close the door especially loud so that they knew I was home.

"Hey, Cass, how was work?" my mother asks.

Was she serious? I could have walked in the freezing cold, and she acted like everything was fine. "I've had better days." I say.

"Oh." That's all she says. She doesn't even look at me. Just practically ignoring me. Then there's my father who hasn't said a word yet. He was supposed to pick me up everyday after work, but today he overlooked the picking me up part. This is a new low. He never forgot anything. He was doing this on purpose to punish me for saying what he needed to hear. The selfish pig!

I walk into the kitchen, but there is nothing. Nothing at all. No dinner like usual. The didn't even start dinner. The smell o food is nowhere. Are they kidding me?

"Cass! Your mother and I went out to eat, I hope you don't mind." my father says.

I can practically hear the smile in his voice. The kitchen is dark, there is no food in this house, and I think tonight I might just kill myself.

As I stand in front of the mirror staring at myself, I want to die. More than usual. In one hand I have my antidepressants, and in the other I have my sleeping pills. I have two options at this point, I can either take one sleeping pill and two antidepressants and have these thoughts of suicide go away, or I can be brave and forget the stupid antidepressants and take the whole bottle of sleeping pills.

I wondered how long it take for them to find me. One day, two days, maybe a week? At this point I wouldn't be surprised. They probably only come to see what the smell was, and then argue over who would be in charge disposing of the body.

Tears streamed down my face. Why me? I was a good person, so why cant someone save me? I'm dieing in the inside. This thing is eating me, and its only a matter of time before it kills me. Is it worth saving me?

I went with neither. I went to bed with an empty stomach and an empty mind. I want to die, so why cant I do it? Please, someone, anyone, save me from life. From myself, from everything. I put on my headphones and change my ipod Savin Me by Nickleback. At this point, this song seems to be made for me.

Prison gates won't open up for me

On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'

Oh, I reach for you

Well I'm terrified of these four walls

These iron bars can't hold my soul in

All I need is you

Come please I'm callin'

And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me

With these broken wings I'm fallin'

And all I see is you

These city walls ain't got no love for me

I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story

And oh I scream for you

Come please I'm callin'

And all I need from you

Hurry I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm fallin'

And all I need is you

Come please I'm callin'

And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm fallin'

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

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I don't know how I did it, but I made it through the night. My pillow is soaked with tears, I eyes burn, my headache has worsened, but somehow I survive.

I walk down the stairs and no one is home. There is a note on the fridge.

Dear Cass,

Your father and I have gone to the flea market. We will most likely be gone most of the day. We've left you some money for anything you might need.

Love,

Mom

P.S. Get some sleep!

Well at least she left me a note. She might still care. Then again, she still nagged at me with a P.S. I look on the counter where a envelope with the words 'Cass' on the front. I open the envelope and there inside is ten bucks. Yes, that is it. That is supposed to be all three of my meals for today. Scratch that, she likes to make me life a living hell by teasing me.

I have to get out of here. I cant live like this. If I cant even kill myself, then I should suffer through living with the most selfish, sadistic people since Hitler. I put in the same song I listen to every Sunday. Gloomy Sunday by Sarah MacLauchlan .

Sunday is Gloomy,

My hours are slumberless,

Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless

Little white flowers will never awaken you

Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you

Angels have no thought of ever returning you

Would they be angry if I thought of joining you

Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy

with shadows I spend it all

My heart and I have decided to end it all

Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,

I know, let them not weep,

Let them know that I'm glad to go

Death is no dream,

For in death I'm caressing you

With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you

Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming

I was only dreaming

I wake and I find you

Asleep in the deep of

My heart

Dear

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you

My heart is telling you how much I wanted you

Gloomy Sunday

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This morning I got four hours of sleep. I think that's a new record for me. Gloomy Sunday always helps me sleep. Of course I was still tired, but I couldn't manage anymore sleep. That's just my life.

I heard a knock on the door. It was a very foreign sound to me. "Who is it?" I call.

"Its me… Owen." a voice says.

My heart stops. I look in the peephole and there he is. I thought it was some sort of joke. I throw open the door.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

He shrugs. "I didn't have anywhere else to go."

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Hmm…. Why does he have no where to go? Review and find out!


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm so, so sorry it took me so long to get this posted. I've been deadly sick for awhile now. I still am, but I could still write so I thought I give it a try. But seriously, my head was going to explode. Making it IMPOSSIBLE to read, write, or think! So yeah, my life was gone for an entire week. I was willing to die just to get away from the pain. It affected my writing so I had to wait till I was in a better mood. So, enough about me. I hope you like the chapter!**

**Song: Pieces by Red**

**It goes **_**perfect **_**with this chapter. At least I think so. I call it **_**Owens's Song**_

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"Can I come in?" he asks.

Wow! He's even more gorgeous in the light. His eyes aren't blue this time, they're green. "Um sure come in." I say stepping aside for him to enter.

At this moment I feel like a complete idiot in my light blue cotton pajamas. What was I thinking getting baby blue? Oh right, I didn't think a completely gorgeous guy would ever see me in them.

"Cool place. You live alone?" he asks. Obviously aware of the ominous silence.

I shake my head and close the door. "My folks aren't home." I say.

He walks over to the couch and lounges comfortably as if it were completely normal thing for him to make himself comfortable on a stranger's couch.

I cross my arms over my chest. "So?"

"So," he answers.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Like I said, I didn't have anywhere to go."

"No, I get that part, I'm just wondering why that is." I say.

He picks up my ipod and looks what I was listening to. "Gloomy Sunday, very appropriate." he says with a smirk playing on his lips. His dirty blonde hair tousled, his clothes wrinkled.

I go and sit by him. "I think so." I say. Again I smile, only for him.

He smiles back at me brushing a hair from my face. "I hope you don't mind me being here. I just… didn't want to go home just yet." he says.

"Its fine. Will you tell me why?" I ask.

"Its… involved. I don't want to really want to get into it." he says.

"Are you hungry?" I ask. Remembering that I had enough for at least a medium pizza.

"Actually I am. I can go get us something." he says.

"No, that's okay. My parents left me some money. We can order." I say.

He smiles at me, and for some reason, I did something that I haven't did in years. My heart melted.

We decided to go with a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. The extra cheese was his idea. Of course you couldn't order for delivery with just ten bucks, so Owen contributed a few dollars and we added a liter of Coke. Of course I'm more of a Pepsi lover, but I don't say anything.

So as we sit and eat, he stares at me. I can feel my face redden, while his eyes burn into me. Why does he stare at me? But I don't say anything because if he weren't staring at me, I would be looking at him. I chew slowly wondering why on earth he chose me.

" Do I scare you?" he asks me. I turn to him slowly, letting the question sink in. He was not at all threatening, but he was strange.

"No."

"Do you want to know why I came here?" he asks.

I shrug. "Its none of my business." I say.

I look down at my plate and played with my fingers. " Its my mother….," he says.

He pauses and I take a deep breath. "What about her?" I ask, begging for more.

"She… wasn't herself." he whispers.

"Was something wrong?" I ask, looking up from beneath my eyelashes.

He nods. "Something's been wrong for awhile now. She hasn't been herself in years. Hasn't been sober since I was twelve."

There isn't a thing I can do. I breath, but I cant think. My body is frozen, but I can feel. I couldn't imagine how he felt. To be driven away by his own mother. Oh wait, I could. Both of my parents did that to me. Drive me away, toward the edge.

"My mother, she was passed out. Not something out of character for her, but today… I didn't feel like myself either. I saw her spread out on the living room floor, vodka bottle in hand, and I just didn't want to deal with it today, you know. I needed a break. I do it every other night. I put her cigarette out, I carry her to the bed, I clean up the spilled liquor, and do it all again the next day. But… I don't know what came over me. I didn't want to go home today. Then I knew, that you were out there. I knew where you lived, and that maybe, you help me."

But your wrong Owen. I cant even help myself.

"I didn't know if you were home, or at work, but at least I knew where you lived. I hoped maybe you understand that everyone needs a break. That we all need to know that someone cares."

"What do you want from me?" I ask.

I look into his green eyes and they hold me. " I want to talk to you."

"You are talking to me." I say.

"No, I want you to talk to me too." he says.

I stare at him and he stares right back. " I don't have anything to say." I say.

He closes his eyes and shakes his head. "You say that a lot." he says. How does he know?

"Its true." I say.

"You have a lot to say Cass. I can tell. I do too. We can take it one day at a time." he says extending his hand for me to take. " Just talk to me Cass." he says.

I look at his hand. I put my own pasty hand into it. My skin is so much lighter. "You may not like what I have to say."

He smiles, white teeth beaming. "I agree, but it needs to be said. You may not like what I have to say either."

What secrets does he have? Can they be as bad as mine? Do they pull him under, like they do me? Maybe there is some hope for us.

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**Yes its short. Sorry, lack of creative flow today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Review!!!!!!!!!**


	6. Chapter 6

There are times in my life, when I wish it all be over. Sometimes I ask, why me? What did I ever do? I wish it just end. My suffering, my parents suffering, just everything. It turns out I wasn't the only one that felt that way. I felt so isolated from everyone, everything. I thought that feeling this way was my punishment. For taking life for granted. But now I know, that there is someone who cares. Someone who knows what its like to hold a razor in your hand and wonder, how deep would I need to cut to die?

Owen was so unbelievably selfless. He made me feel like I had nothing to complain about. His parents were divorced, his Mom was an alcoholic, his Dad wanted nothing to do with him, due to the fact that he looked too much like his Mom. His mother must be a beautiful woman because Owen was gorgeous. In every meaning of the word. We listen to each other for hours, and he never let go of my hand. He held on so tight, as if I would fly away if I were to let go.

I'm sure he thought I was a whiny teenager because I didn't give him any reason to why I was the way I was. There were times while I talked, and he would rub my hand soothingly, and then my reason sit on the edge of my tongue. Begging me to tell him Because I knew he was pouring his heart out to me. Telling me things he didn't tell other people. But I still refused to tell him. It was there, eating at me. Egging me on._ Just tell him Cass. He understand. If anyone would, he would. _

That was the old Cass. I haven't seen her in years. She whisper to me, telling me what to do. Almost like a conscience. I never listened though. Not even now.

"Will your parents be home soon?" he asks finishing the last of the pizza.

I shrug looking at our intertwined hands. "I'm not sure." I say. "They left me a note, but… they haven't been completely honest with me lately."

"Will they be home late?" he asks.

I refuse to look into his eyes. Because if he were to ask me something I didn't want to answer, I know I wouldn't have the strength to tell him honestly. "They wont be home till late. They're mad at me. Well… more than usual. Not that they have a reason to be." I say.

I takes his other hand and tilts my face up to his. His face is _so _close. I can smell his after shave. His mint breath blowing across my face. I gasp at the closeness. "They don't hate you." he says with his green eyes converting back to blue.

I bite my lip. My eyes wide. " I didn't say they hate." I say.

He brushes his thumb across my face. "That's what your thinking." he says. I open my mouth a little to object, but he speaks first. " I wish you tell me more." he says. "There's so much to you, but I just.. don't know what. You have this wall behind your eyes, that hides everything from me. Your eyes are empty because of it. I used to look that way. But… hiding it doesn't help. Trust me." he smiles.

My lips are still parted. As he spoke I could taste his breath on my tongue… oh and how good it tasted. I wonder what it be like to kiss him. "How did you recover?" I ask.

His smile dissipates. " I don't recommend my cure." he says.

I look back down at our hands. His hands are so soft, and warm. They felt so incredibly comforting on my face. " I've given up." I say. He squeezes my hand. I know he understands. "Its no ones fault." I say. "I just… think I be happier…gone."

My lips remain parted. I want to taste his breath. Oh I wish he speak. "Are you going to say anything?" I ask.

He shakes his head… and kisses me.

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Three years ago…

6 pm

As me and Randi walk down the street toward the _senior_ party, we can hardly contain our joy. We jump and skip around in our heels and matching dresses. Randi was right, my Mom's red dress look fantastic on me. It was a simple red dress, but it hugged every curve on my body perfectly. My mother obviously lacked curves because she never looked like I did in this dress. My hair is pinned high on top of my head. A few dark tresses hung down in an messy up-do. Randi's black heels with the red stripe worked perfectly with the out fit. I had several black bangles on my wrists, along with silver hoops.

I had to admit. If I were to pick one time in my life where I found myself attractive it was this night. Even Randi thought I looked great. I mean she's my best friend and everything, but she had a tendency to focus on herself more than me. I didn't mind though. I wasn't mush to look at. She was always the beautiful one, while I was the plain Jane. But tonight, I gave her a run for her money.

"Oh Cass, I hope Vincent introduces me to one of his friends. Do you think he will?" Randi asks. "I hope so. I mean he's _so_ gorgeous, and I like him a lot, but he obviously likes you, and I would never try to steal him away from you because you guys would look so cute together." I smile. Randi is always like this. Once you find her an interesting topic, she goes on and on. "Maybe he'll ask you out! Wouldn't that be the best? You two would make the best couple. If it lasts the summer, which it totally will because I bet he'll fall in love with you, he might take you to his college campus. I mean it be hard since he'll be in college, but he wouldn't be so into you and not mean, you know what I mean Cass?" I just nod as we walk down the street. I can hear the party now. My legs are going numb. My chest hurts because my heart cant keep pace.

As she rambles I can barely control my excitement. Me and Vincent Young. Oh what a dream come true. I mean, he is older, but he wouldn't ask me to the party unless he was into me. Right? Right! Oh I wonder if he'll kiss me! My first kiss! With Vincent Young! I probably turn into a princess if I were to kiss him. Oh how wonderful that would be. Kiss me Vincent! Oh please kiss me!

***

As me and Randi ascend the steps, several drunk seniors are in the yard. Some are making out with each other, others are drinking, some are doing both. I wouldn't think it be this scary. I mean, I do watch MTV. Its not like I'm totally sheltered. I've been to parties where there was drinking, but not with seniors. This was going to be harder then I thought. Randi has shut up by this point. She holds onto my arm protectively, or maybe in fear. Her face is unreadable. Her eyes are wide taking in her surroundings. When we reach the door, the screen door is open, and we can see the party is even louder and more crowded. We look at each other, and then to the door. Should we knock? But then if we do and we're not supposed to, then we come off as freshmen. We defiantly don't want to draw attention.

Randi opens the door and we enter. We stand of to the side, biting our lips. Wondering what the hell we're supposed to do. The party is pulsing and everyone is drinking. Beer, vodka, I think I even saw a whisky bottle. I'm not really very familiar with alcohol. I grab a beer out of a cooler. Not wanting to look to conspicuous. Randi breaks away from and starts to walk forward.

"Randi! What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm going to find a bathroom." she says.

"Why?" I ask.

She takes my hand. "Cass, its okay. I see Vince. I think he's headed this way. I'm giving you some privacy." she smiles.

My face falls. "Don't leave me!" I cry. "I wont know what to say." I admit.

She shakes her head and smiles. "You'll be fine. I think I know someone here. Don't worry about it. Just have fun." she takes off into the crowd. I try to grab for her but she is much to fast. Great, what do I do now?

"Hey Cass." a husky sexy voice says. I've never heard my name said so beautifully.

I turn around and there stand Vincent Young. In his number forty six football jersey. Black and yellow never looked so good. "Hey." I whisper.

He smiles. "I didn't think you come." he says.

I smile nervously. "Why wouldn't I come?" I ask.

He shrugs. Bleach blonde hair falling into his eyes. "You know, senior party and all. it's a little crazy sometimes. And… I didn't think you were all that into me." he admits.

My eyes widen. "You must be kidding. I wouldn't miss this for the world." I admit.

He smiles and pulls me close. " I really like you Cass. I know we don't talk a lot. Mostly because I think your amazing and I wouldn't think a smart amazing girl like you would even consider a guy like me. I thought I just ask you, you know, just to see what you say. And when you said yes, you made my day. And to know that you were into me, well… now I feel like an ass." he laughs.

I have no idea what to do so I laugh with him. Then Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol came on. He smiles. "This is my favorite song. You want to dance?" he asks.

I could scream at the top of my lungs YES! "Yeah, sure."

He smiles and takes my hand. We walk out to the dance floor and he spins me into his arms. His tanned muscular arms are around my waist, my arms are around his neck.

"You look so beautiful in that dress, Cass. You should dress like this all the time." he says.

I smile. " I think this isn't allowed due to the dress code." I joke.

He leans down and whispers. "I could give you my jacket, to wear over it." he suggests.

I blush. Does he mean it? His football jacket. Oh this is just like a teen movie. High school freshmen lands hot senior quarterback, they fall in love, he gives her his jacket, they share her first kiss, and he goes to college close by so they can never be apart. Oh how I wish it were true.

I smile. "You don't have to." I say. What am I saying? I would _love _to have his jacket. I want it so bad.

He shakes his head. "I wont take no for an answer. You can have it." he says.

I shake my head furiously. "No that's your team jacket. What will you have to remember the school by?"

He smiles. "I have this memory burned into my memory forever. I don't need a stupid jacket."

Now, if I died. Heaven wouldn't even come close to as amazing as this moment. I blush even deeper. "Okay." I say.

He smiles. And I lay my head against his chest as we slow dance. He leans down to sing me softly the lyrics. I'm being serenaded! By Vincent Young!

_We'll do it all_

_Everything_

_On our own_

_We don't need_

_Anything_

_Or anyone_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me_

_And just forget the world?_

_I don't quite know_

_How to say_

_How I feel_

_Those three words_

_Are said too much_

_They're not enough_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me_

_And just forget the world?_

_Forget what we're told_

_Before we get too old_

_Show me a garden_

_That's bursting into life_

_Let's waste time_

_Chasing cars_

_Around our heads_

_I need your grace_

_To remind me_

_To find my own_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me_

_And just forget the world?_

_Forget what we're told_

_Before we get too old_

_Show me a garden_

_That's bursting into life_

_All that I am_

_All that I ever was_

_Is here in your perfect eyes_

_They're all I can see_

_I don't know where_

_Confused about how as well_

_Just know that these things_

_Will never change for us at all_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me_

_And just forget the world? _

I'm in love! I love Vincent! He is my soul mate, my true love. As the song ends I look up at him and he smiles. And the one thing I wanted more than anything, he leans down… and presses his soft lips against mine.

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	7. Chapter 7

There wasn't much I wouldn't do for Vincent. I loved him. Well… I thought I did. After that one moment, that one kiss, the kind gentle prince I so dearly loved, was gone. I looked into his eyes again and they seemed black. Like he wasn't the same. Like he wanted to hurt me.

***

At some point in the night he fell asleep. I guess he thought I fall asleep too, but me being what I am, find it increasingly difficult to sleep. He was laid back on my couch, his mouth slightly ajar, but he made no noise. It was completely silent. Deathly silent.

I wonder if he was even alive, as still as he was. I laid my head on his chest, just so I could hear his heart. To make sure he was okay.

_Thump, thump, thump_

His heart was still beating. _Thank you. _his chest rose and fell with steady breaths. I haven't breathed like that in years. How good it must feel.

Maybe I'll just stay here. With my head against his chest. Breathing in his scent. He smells faintly of his truck, but with the smell of alcohol. Just faintly though. There's something else there. Peppermint? Maybe his toothpaste.

I relax my body against his chest. Wow is he warm! I didn't realize how cold I was. It feels weird to have human contact. To be touched, to be caressed, to be _loved._ I mean, he doesn't love me. No one does. But it feels good, if only for a moment, to feel like maybe he did.

His arm that was slung over the couch, now wraps around me. Maybe that was an involuntary action. Maybe it was instinctual. I don't know why, but I wrap my arms around his waist. He is so incredibly warm!

"Have you been awake this whole time?" he whispers.

My eyes fly open. He was awake?! I unwrap my arms and lean back to look at him. "Um… I don't sleep." I mutter under my breath. Maybe he was talking in his sleep because his eyes are closed.

Ah crap, he opened them! "Every one sleeps Cass." he states.

I look down, ashamed. "Not me." I say so quietly it is barely audible.

He smiles at the corners of his mouth, like it hurts him to smile. " What do you do to fill the time?" he asks.

I shrug. "Not much to do. Most nights I just sit there." I say.

He's quiet for a minute. I feel weird being so close. " Don't lie to Cass." his voice is strict.

Tears threaten to fall, but the don't have a chance. " I'm not lying. I'm an insomniac. I find it extremely difficult to sleep at anytime, let alone at night." I pause and stare him straight in the eyes. "I wouldn't lie to you."

_Liar!_ my other self shouts. The old Cass would have told him the truth. _Tell him everything! He deserves to know! He's told you so much! _Shut up Cass! Just shut the hell up! My mind is silent. Wow! I really am crazy. I laugh inside. At this point I might break if I were to laugh. There is nothing amusing. Nothing good, nothing to live for.

Owen strokes my cheek. He pulls me down to him and I wrap my arms around him again. My eyes sting? Tears? I'm crying? I reach up to check. Yep, warm, salty tears.

They pour from my eyes. Staining his white shirt with my tears. "I'm so sorry." I cry. "I'm sorry for everything."

Poor guy doesn't know what I'm talking about. He doesn't know that I'm sorry for causing everyone grief. That I'm sorry for not getting better. Sorry for myself, for my parents, every poor Owen. Because he has his own issues, and I just dragged him into mine.

_Push him away! Save him the grief, the pity. _

The tears don't stop. He holds me tight against his chest, smoothing my static hair, whispering that everything will be okay. "Just go Owen!" I yell, but I grasp him tighter. "Save yourself. I'm useless. There's no hope for me. I'm dead anyway.

Why cant I die? Just kill me! Kill me! End my suffering! Surely no one else can feel this way. Why does it hurt so much to remember. Why does it kill my soul, my heart, but never my body. I'm already crazy! I have nothing. No one should live wanting to die.

"I wont leave you Cass." Owen says.

No Owen, runaway! Before I pull you down with me.

_No Owen, runaway! Before I pull you down with me._

Finally me and my former self agree on something. But why cant I let go? Does my heart hold onto the last chance at happiness? My only hope? No, not Owen!

"Please Owen, please." I beg and plead. "I have nothing. I am nothing. I'm scattered pieces Owen. Some aren't even there. Some don't exist. Don't do this." I beg.

He presses his lips to my hair. I cry harder. My hair feel damp. Is he crying to? "I'll make you whole, Cass. I promise. Before the end." he's defiantly shedding a few tears. I cry with him and hold him as if he were to float away. "Give me a chance." he cries. Let me do something that matters.

You matter Owen, you do! I don't even exist. " I tried so hard. So hard, Owen. Almost four years, and I've gotten no where. Just leave me alone." I cry.

I try to sit up. "Tell me one day, Cass. Soon. Cause I'm here as long as you need me." he says.

The tears pick up speed. I lay back on his chest. "Will you stay the night with me?" I ask.

He sniffs. "What about your parents?" he says.

I shake my head. "If I died tonight, they wouldn't know till next week. They don't care." I say.

For some reason that doesn't make me hurt more. I've been saying it to myself for so long, that its my reality. He shakes his head. "No, I bet they love you. If you gave them a chance."

A chance!

All the signs were there. The catatonia, the depression, the insomnia. I needed someone to love me. Someone to hold me and beg to know what happened, who did this to me. But they only cared about themselves. They might have loved the old Cass, but she was buried. Deep inside. No amount of therapy or drugs could fix that. Because it was more than talking and drugs that buried her.

"Just stay." I beg. "They wont notice. I swear. They'll leave in the morning and they wont check or anything. Just… please." I feel on the verge of tears, again.

He kisses my forehead. "All right. But I want you to sleep Cass."

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Sorry it took so long to update. My stories require me to get into character and since the character is a bit depressed, it tends to make me feel the same. Anyway, I like writing this story, and having reviews with a lot of description encourages me. So review!**

**Not sure if this is really a cliffhanger. I know what's going to happen so I cant tell if the end is suspenseful. Give me your thoughts and I'll be sure to update quickly. I hate cliffies too. Lol **

**Thanx,**

**Twi-freak**


	8. Chapter 8

Forever is way too long. I've lived eighteen years and I've had enough.

***

I was vaguely aware that I was waking up. For one, I was in someone's arms. Defiantly weird. And second, I was… peaceful, rested, and a bunch of other things that go along with that. I forgot what I meant, and what it felt like to actually be happy. I kept my eyes closed because this was heaven.

"Cass! Dr. Welles called, she-," she broke of f mid sentence as she barged her way into my room. Not only was I in a compromising position, but I also was in bed with a _shirtless_ guy.

When did that happen?

"Good lord Cass." she whispers.

My eyes fly open. I push off from under Owen barely causing him to stir. "This isn't what it looks like." I say.

She shakes her head. "Is this what you do when we leave? Sleep around?" she asks.

Now, that is something I just don't do! I may be suicidal, I may be an idiot, I may even be the kind to let people take advantage of me, but I didn't sleep around.

"No, of course not! Why would you even say that? I told you it wasn't what it looked like." I faces reddens from frustration.

"I all know is what I see." she says calmly. "I wont tell your father because I know he wouldn't understand. But I do want to talk about this later. Whether or not anything happened." I went to speak but she interrupted. "You don't have to speak. Just listen, to everything I say. I wont pressure you or tell you what is right or wrong because I don't even know anymore." she pauses. "Dr. Welles called. Said that she wanted to know if you would be willing to move up your session to today instead of tomorrow."

Was she being nice to me? My father turns into a neglectful bastard, and she becomes the mother who wants to care? What the hall is going on?!

"Yeah that's fine. I can get off early. Six is good." I say.

She nods. She goes to leave but turns at the last second. Your father and I are leaving now. I suggest you have your _friend_ gone by time we return." she says.

She lightly shuts the door and I turn toward Owen. Sleeping like a baby. Didn't hear a thing. I sit on the bad and look at him. I nudge his shoulder, he wakes immediately.

"Hey," he says sleepily.

I smile. "Hey, you missed a very interesting conversation between me and my mother." I laugh. It hurts my jaw.

"Oh," he says. "Oh!"

"Yeah, but its okay. It wasn't too terrible." I say.

He smiles and runs his hand through his blonde locks. "Aw damn. I'm sorry Cass." I'm a heavy sleeper."

I shake my head. "Its alright. I don't mind. It wasn't too terrible."

"Did they leave?" he asks.

I nod.

"Did you have to work or something?" he asks.

I shrug. "Later. I have to catch the bus at one." I say.

He yawns. I look down at his shirt on the floor. " So… why did you start stripping?" I tease.

He laughs. " It got hot. You finally fell asleep, but you made me hot, so I took my shirt off." he says. "Why is it a problem?" he smirks.

"Well I wouldn't look so much like a slut if you had a shirt on, but you know its cool. Just adds to the list." I say.

He cocks his head to the side. " List?" he asks.

I nod. "Yeah, the list of reasons why I'm messed up."

His face falls. He leans forward and kisses me. This one is different. I'm _really_ into it. Our mouths move in sync. He holds my face and I, his neck. Its incredible kissing him. Touching him. Being with him.

He pulls back an looks at me. I smile. "Is this your answer to everything?" I ask.

He smiles. "What can I say, you make me speechless."

******************************************************************************************

Three years ago…

9 pm

Everything after that kiss was a blur. The music picked up pace, and he stayed close to my body. I could feel every inch of him. My hands in his hair, his practically on my butt.

I didn't know why, but he felt like he was showing off. Not to me because I was convinced he was absolutely perfect, but he showed off to his friends. His friends getting a free show. I didn't like that feeling. It made me feel dirty.

He could tell I was uncomfortable. My first kiss, moved too fast for my taste, into my first public make out session. He obviously knew what he was doing and I had no clue.

I pilled back. "Wait, Vince, this doesn't feel right." I said.

He looks confused. " You don't like kissing me?" he asks.

"No, no. I do, I just… I don't know what to do." I whispered.

He laughs. "Your doing fine." he said. "I know enough for the both of us." he whispers in my ear before returning to my lips. For some reason that doesn't comfort me.

***

Vincent and I have now made it to the couch. I have no clue. Other couples are making out. The girls attacking the guy's neck, kissing and sucking, eliciting moans from their partners while straddling their waist. I have not the slightest idea what to do. Does Vince want the same thing?

He smiles at me and begins to kiss me again. It seems like he only does this to pull me on top of him without making it seem so.

"I… I don't know what to do." I whispered as we kissed.

He chuckled. "Do whatever you think is right." he whispers back. That's the problem though, I have no clue.

He leans forward to my ear. "Do what the others are doing."

I take a deep breath. Do I even want to do this? Not really. I want to slow dance with him and share brief kisses. Not make out with others on a couch, and grind on the dance floor. That just wasn't me.

But… I give it a try.

***

10 pm

"Cass?"

"Yeah?"

"Some of the other guys were heading to another party. They invited me along, and I like you to come with me." Vincent say.

"I…I don't know. I'm with my friend Randi. I don't think-," he then puts his varsity jacket around my shoulders.

It feels so right. "Um… sure… yeah, lets go. I just have to find-,"

"No Cass." he interrupts. "They're leaving now, we don't have time."

We don't have time? He cant spare two minutes for me? When your in love… you make sacrifices. Randi forgive me after I tell what a wonderful time I had and how I was now Vincent's girlfriend.

"Okay." I whisper.

He wraps his arms around my waist. "Great." he leans forward and forces his tongue into my mouth.

What was I getting myself into?

******************************************************************************************

"Do you have to go?" I whine.

Owen smiles. His white teeth flashing in the sun. "Yeah. I got to get to work soon and I still haven't checked on my Mom." he says.

I look down, then back into his, now, green eyes. "Will you come back?" I ask.

He laughs. "Yeah of course. You'll see me around. I promise."

I sigh. "What wrong?" he asks.

I shrug. "It feels like your going to disappear. Like I'm never going to see you again." I whisper.

He laughs and kisses me. "Don't worry. At this point, you're the best thing in my life."

I smile. I'm actually getting used to it. "I'll see you." I say.

All he does is wave from his truck.

***

Let me explain something. I hate all doctors. They think everything has a diagnosis.

***

Dr. Welles is _not_ a doctor. Yes she went to medical school and everyone calls her doctor, but that doesn't mean anything. Not to me at least. She actually understands what I'm going through. She understands there is an underlying problem to my insomnia, instead of the other doctors who think I'm just another depressed teenager.

Penelope Welles, or Penny as I call her, has frizzy red hair and bright green eyes. She wears beads as a fashion statement. Always wears a long flowing skirt, but still finds it okay to sit on the floor, and she wears bras made of hemp. Don't ask me why I know that, it came up one time.

But anyway, she has four kids, and is pregnant with twins. Why she has so many, I cant tell you. Her and her husband have a lot of free time I guess. Being a twin herself she has already one set of twins. I never met them, but I saw pictures.

Her husband is a writer and a 'homemaker' as she likes to call it. Him I have met. He brings her lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He might bring her lunch everyday, I'm not sure. I'm on here on Tuesdays and Thursdays, except like today where she probably had a doctors appointment on a scheduled day.

I walk into her private practice and go and take a seat. Judy, the receptionist, has saw me and informed Penny.

"You can go in, Cassidy, she waiting." Judy says.

I flash her an unwanted smile and go into the room. Its like some one ate the seventies and threw it up in her office. It is awful. But she loves it.

I take a seat at the red beanbag chair like always, and her the green one.

"Your mother tells me there was a man in your room this morning."

Wow is she straightforward today. "Yeah. it's a long story." I say.

She shifts to get comfortable. "I have awhile."

I roll my eyes. "He was just some guy that gave me a ride the other day."

"Some guy you let sleep in your room?"

I shake my head. "No. His name is Owen. He came by yesterday while my parents were out."

She encourages me to continue with her hand. "And?"

"Well, he said he had no where to go, so he came here."

"Why is he homeless?" she jokes.

I laugh. "No. Just… different. In a good way. We ordered pizza and talked all day."

"So when do we get to the part where he ends up in your bed?"

"I'm getting there." I pause. " I kind of asked him to stay. I was… feeling pretty bad. You know considering my parents being gone all day and then they took my caffeine and then there was the whole nagging me to death."

She nods. "Parents can sometimes have a hard time understanding. But, about this guy. Do you like him?" she asks.

I shrug. "Don't know yet. But I'm in no shape to be in a relationship Penny, I mean look at me."

"What? All I see is a beautiful woman. This may be exactly what you need in your life." she says.

Getting into a relationship is what ruined my life. But she didn't know that. No one did. "I guess. But he's got issues, I got issues. I don't see how it work." I say.

"Sweetie, everyone has issues. So he has some things going on in his life, so what. If you like him and he likes you I don't understand what the deal is. Life is too short to spend alone."

Ha! Life was too long.

"Yeah. But I may never see him again."

***

I walked outside into the parking lot. The session was quite uneventful. Like they always are. She may be the only one who possibly cares for me.

My mother sits in her dark blue Lexus. Great, I would have preferred to walk.

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Next chapter is the sex talk. Not sure about this chapter. For some reason I hate it. Maybe because she's too happy. IDK. Anyway, I'd like more descriptive reviews. Possible ideas are always accepted!**

**Review, review, review!**

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**Thanx,**

**Twi-freak**


	9. Chapter 9

**_Warning! Not fluffy romance in this chapter. This does contain rape, and some things are not T. For this reason I have changed the rating so if you have any problem with this, do not read. But this is a crucial chapter._**

_I walk up to the car and open the door. She smiles at me which is never a good sign._

"_How was work?" she asks._

_I shrug. "Same as usual." _

"_Oh." she turns the key and starts the car. "Can we talk Cass?"_

_I turn towards the window. Here it comes. "We are talking." I say._

_She pulls out of the parking lot. "No, I mean more than just me speaking and you shrugging your shoulders and giving me two word answers."_

_I turn to her. "What do you want from me?" I ask. "I told you nothing happened."_

_She sighs. "I just… think we should go over some things. Things I missed over the years."_

"_Mom, I'm almost nineteen, I know what sex is. And no, I'm not having sex. Are we done now?"_

"_No. I don't want a one person conversation. I want to really know what's going on in your life."_

_Nothing was going on, that was the problem. "I have no life. You guys prevent that." I say. She was really making me agitated._

"_We try to do what's best for you Cass. We really do. I don't know. Maybe we should let you move out."_

"_I can whenever I want to. I'm an adult. You cant control my life." So why was I living like this. Why does she plan things for me, and do my laundry, and drive me around? Am I really that helpless. _

"_You need to find some control in your life Cass. We cant do everything for you forever. We want you to get better and become the successful adult we know you can be." She was acting like I had a cold. That was hardly the case. _

"_Mom, its deeper then that. I… don't know what happened, but I think its going to take time for me to get to a state where I can actually function. This… isn't an illness, it's a state of mind and I cant get out of it. Just… give me some space okay?"_

_She nods. "Fine, but I want to know what really happened with this boy."_

_This is it. "Nothing. I already told you that. It was completely harmless. He gave me a ride the other day and we hung out while you were gone. No big deal."_

"_No big deal? Its no big deal that my daughter is alone with a older boy all day, in my home?"_

"_Mom, I'm an adult. I can be with whoever I want. It doesn't matter what you think." _

_The hell it does. That is my house and the next time you see him, it better not be in my house."_

_I slump in my seat and cross my arms. "You don't have to worry about that." I whisper._

_We pull up to the house and I'm out of the car before its stopped. I bust open the door and slam it._

"_What's your problem?" my father asks from the couch._

"_You're my problem!" I scream as I run up the stairs. I slam my door and cry into my pillows. Wishing wherever Owen was, that he come and take me away with him. Anywhere was better then here._

_******************************************************************************************_

_Three years ago…_

_11pm_

_Vincent cant keep his hands off me. You think that would be a good thing, but right now I'm not so sure. Vincent's friend Frankie drove us to this other party. His car was packed. I sat on Vincent's lap while he touched and sucked everywhere he could reach. His hands were on my breasts, my back, my butt, but when they reached to my thigh ,which was barely covered by my small red dress, I began to panic. I mean he was a senior. He would expect a certain amount of intimacy from me, but I didn't feel ready. I think by him touching me, he thought he was making me brave. I was scared out of my wits. What was I doing in this smoke filled car with these older guys, alone?_

_The people at this party were not from my high school. I have never seen them. They were defiantly college students. This made me shiver. Vincent leans down and kisses my collar bone. "You want something to drink?" he asks._

_I shake my head. He smiles against my neck. "Come on baby. Loosen up. I wont let anything happen to you." he whispers directly in my ear._

_The music is so loud and pulsing I know he wont hear me if I speak. I just smile and nod, like the good little freshman I am._

_He pulls me down into a basement with more less people, but more drinking. _

"_Hey Vince, new lady friend." I guys asks._

_Vince pulls me tighter against him as a response. He grabs a beer downing half of it in one gulp. He hands the rest to me. I look at it and wonder what I'm doing here. Is this where I want to be? With Vincent? _

_I drink the rest quickly. He smiles and takes the can from my hands and crushes his mouth to mine. He tastes like beer, a taste I hate. I wish I were home. I don't want to be here. This isn't what I want. I wonder where Randi is? She know what to do._

_Vincent's feverish mouth consumes mine. His hands run up my stomach making its way to my breasts. His hands don't stop. His hand is on my breasts and I'm powerless to stop it. I whine in my throat._

_He breaks away. "Loosen up Cass. This is what everyone does, right?" I look around the room and see the other couples grouping and moaning. I turn back to him and nod. He smiles and sucks on my neck. He takes my hand and puts it to his engorged member. I'm sweating and I can hardly breathe. Air is having trouble getting into my body. I'm taking breaths, but I receive no oxygen. Is that even possible? All I know is I'm not ready for this!_

"_Vince, please, stop." I whine. His hands never leave me. All I can think is how did I get myself into this. "Vince!"_

"_What?!" he asks._

_I stare at him with my eyes wide. I cant think. "I… I think we should stop." my voice cracks._

_He shakes his head and smirks. He leans down to my ear to whisper, "This is what you do when you grow up Cass. Its time to grow up." I never want to grow up!_

_He grabs my wrist, so hard I know I'm bruised. He pulls me to the back of the basement to a furnished bedroom where two other guys are. They smile when we enter._

_Vince leans me back on the mattress. Kissing down my neck to my breasts. The two guys stand and watch. "Vince, they're watching."_

_He smiles against my breast. "this is what grown ups do with each other. They entertain each other." he says._

_He then presses his excitement between my hips. I know what he wants! "Vince, I'm not ready!"_

_In a flash he pins me down by my wrists and kisses my jaw. "I'm helping you grow up Cass. Me and my friends want to help you be like us. Right guys?"_

"_Oh yeah," they say in more of a moan._

"_Please," I cry, "I don't want to."_

_He smirks attacking my nipple through my dress. I arch my back in pain. "See? You want it. You just don't know it yet." he says ripping the front of my dress. My body was numb. There was no feeling. I could see what he was doing to me, but there was nothing I could do. _

_Tears poured down my face. I wanted it all to go away. The mascara burned my eyes, probably blackening my face. The other men in the room came closer. Enjoying what Vincent was doing to me. His hands ran up my thighs, going to what they want most. I gasped as his finger entered me. I couldn't breathe._

"_Please," I cried. "I don't want to do this. Just let me go Vince." But he didn't listen. I could hear the zipper of his pants coming undone, and I knew what was coming. _

"_Look at that bitch's eyes." One of the men said. "She's scared shitless."_

_As Vincent entered me, he groaned. The men hissed with his moans. As if they were doing this to me. Raping me._

_As he thrust, I prayed for my death. I didn't know what he do next. Would these other men have their turn. Would they break me until I died?_

_His moans met with my cries. Every thrust made more pain, making me cry out. He would smirk with his eyes closed when I did this. It went on for so long, I just didn't look anymore. I pretended that I wasn't there. Thinking where in the night, had something gone wrong. What could have led to this, and how could I have missed this. How could he do this to me? How could anyone do this to any other person?_

_He groaned as he came, and then he finally stopped. I thought he never stop. I thought it never end. It felt like an eternity. I thought I had surly died and went to hell. Only hell could be that gruesome and torturous._

"_Oh," Vince groans one more time before collapsing beside me. I twinge away. I cant stand him. The other men's arousal is prominent. I wonder if they will take their turn._

"_Hey Vince, let us have a go at her." one man says._

_Vincent sits up, adjusting his pants. "No way man. I let you watch. You need to find your own piece of ass." Was he planning this all along?_

_***_

_Vincent gives me his jacket to wear over my mother's torn dress. But I cant even think what I will say to her about he designer dress. I don't even know what I will say to Randi. I hope nothing happened to her. This is all my fault. _

_He takes me upstairs with the rest of the party. Dragging my soulless body through the crowds. He pushes me onto a couch, handing me a beer. "Stay here Cass! I'll be right back!" he shouts over the music. But I don't here him. All I can do is think of that scene playing over and over in my mind. Why cant it go away? It hurts so much to think about it, but I cant stop. The way the other men looked at me with lust, rubbing their selves, imagining what it be like to fuck me._

_I down the beer quickly. I want to get to a phone. I want to call someone, anyone. My Mom, my Dad, Randi, just anyone. I huddle in his jacket. As if warming myself were nearly impossible. I walk through the hoards of sweaty lustful bodies. Would anyone help me if I were to tell them? Maybe one of the girls, or a neighbor. But I cant get out. I am trapped in this house. There are no exits, there is no escape. My make up is smeared, my hair a matted mess, my clothing torn, along with my the shreds of my life._

"_Cass! I told you to wait for me!" Vincent says in a drunken stupor. I'm terrified. What will he do to me drunk? He smiles. Pulling me to him. Whispering in my ear, "You'll have to be punished."_

_I squeeze my eyes shut. Holding back the tears, but the a few escape._

_He pulls me outside to a vacant lot where his some cars are parked. He pushes me, hard, against the side of a SUV. He hitches one of my legs roughly around his waist. By this time, I have no underwear. They were to torn and bloody to wear anymore._

_He sticks a finger into me. My body reacts to the intrusion. "I am going to fuck you." he whispers in my ear. "And this time, I'll make you come. I'll make you scream my name for days."_

_My eyes widen. "Please, help me!" I scream out._

_He clasps his hand to my mouth. I still try to scream. "Ssh… Cass. I said you enjoy it, this time. Just let me do all the work, and you enjoy yourself." he says._

_I cry. Tears streaming down my cheeks. I shake my head. I don't want this. Not at all. He enters another finger, and I cry out._

"_This is going to happen whether you want it or not." he sneers. "You scream, and I'll make the last thing you ever do, you hear me bitch?"_

_I nod my head slowly. He smiles. "Good girl. Now, undo my pants for me." he says._

_I swallow the bile in my throat. Undoing his belt, then his zipper, letting his pants fall._

_He enters in one quick thrust. My vision is blurry and all I can think about are his groans as he slams me against the side of the car. I can feel the blood rush to my face, and all I can utter is, "No."_

_But he ignores me, smiling. His face focused on his thrusting. Filling me. I cant breathe now. All I can think about is when it will be over. When will this pain be over for me? He speeds up as he reaches his climax._

"_Uhnn, Cass, baby. You feel so good." he grunts. But all I can do is think about how horrible it feels. Something that should be beautiful between two people, is used to the most horrid of crimes. I hate him. I hate everything about him._

"_Come on, baby. Come for me now." he says._

_But I cant think about any enjoyment from this. I look his straight in the eye. "No."_

_His hand comes in contact with my face. Its not even close to the pain he has already caused me. "Do as I say, you fucking bitch. Now come!"_

_He thrust, hard, into me. Reaching places I never thought could be reached. I cant stand the feeling. He's working his hips, but moving mine with him. He reaches a hand between us, to my bundle of nerves. I wish I could ignore what he does to me. But its too much. Against my wishes my body lets out a pleasurable moan. He smiles._

"_You know you like it. You like the feeling of me in you. You want to come, so do it."_

_All I know is the tightening in my stomach. A feeling I never felt before. This slow building pleasure deep within my body. My moans match his now. And I can feel what he's waiting for. Making me find pleasure in what he does to me._

_And then, I explode. Screaming out in pleasure, and secretly hoping someone will answer to my cries. But he muffles them with his hand. Pulling out of me, he whispers. "You are the only one who I made scream. You were incredible."_

_But I didn't mean to be._

_***_

_A few minutes later we're in the car, driving along the highway. I have no idea where he is going. But I don't care. By now there isn't much else he can do to me. I shrivel up in my seat, begging for the end._

_He turns to look at me and his face falls. I cant imagine what my face must look like. I avoid a mirror for this reason. He puts a hand on my knee, but I flinch._

"_You alright Cass?" he asks._

_I give no gesture._

"_Hey," he says putting a hand to my cheek, "you alright?" he asks as I let out a yelp. In more of a cry._

_He takes his hand away and puts it back on the steering wheel. "You'll be okay." he says._

_How can he know that?_

_He pulls into a convenience store parking lot. I stare out the window. He puts a hand on my knee and this time I make no move. "You want something?" he asks._

_I shake my head._

"_Come on, you must be thirsty. Or hungry. I'll get you something, before we head back to my place, to make it up to you." he says, as if what he's done can be forgiven._

_He gets out of the car and walks into the store. This is my chance to get away. If I don't, when he comes back, I'll deal with this all night. I wont make it that long. I look down at my feet. I only have one of Randi's shoes. The other I lost in the vacant lot. I grab a pair of flip flops in the back of the SUV. I have no idea who's car this is, and I don't care. They can have my one shoe. _

_I slip on the shoes, opening the door. Checking if the coast is clear, before bolting into the darkness._


	10. Chapter 10

Today was defiantly one of those days. Some days I felt so… invisible. Like I walked around with everyone else, but no one saw me. I didn't talk today. My mother said nothing, my father said nothing, and I said nothing.

I went to work like I always do, but I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't see anyone and the didn't see me. I felt so utterly lost and confused. Didn't anyone notice? That I wasn't there?

***

I was walking to work. I didn't want to take the bus. There was too much noise. Too much life that I wasn't apart of. Owen hasn't came back in over a week. Not that I expected him to come back. I just hoped that he just be there. It felt like there may be one person who understood this pain. This heartache.

I walked in the door like always and went in the back. I punched in, and then went to stand at my prison cell. I scanned endless amounts of groceries, but no one spoke to me. I didn't feel like speaking. I had a stomach ache, that wouldn't go away. I wanted to die. But this time it was different. I never wanted to exist. I wish I were never born because there was nothing that I've done with my life that was worth recognition.

Then, he came in. Vincent. He must have been home for the summer. I started to hyperventilate. My heart beat erratically. My vision blurry, my face frozen. My chest hurt, my stomach hurt more, and my heart beat into my throat. _Please don't come over here. My life is bad enough as it is. If you do, at least kill me this time. Don't let me get away!_

"Hey Cass." I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. His smell is everywhere. That night is right in the forefront of my mind. I close my eyes and focus on breathing. I cant breathe! I breathe faster, but nothing helps.

"Cassie, baby. Don't you want to see me? I've missed you, you know?"

I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Go away," I whisper.

He laughs grabbing onto my arm turning me around to face him. I avoid his eyes. I know I'll faint if I look into his eyes. "I've been gone all year and this is the welcome I get? I thought I taught you better then that." he says grabbing my ass.

I inhale sharply. "What do…you want?" I stutter.

He closes the distance between us, to whisper in my ear. "I came to fuck you. Over and over again, till you cry like the little bitch you are."

I squeeze my eyes tighter. _He'll go away Cass. Just like last time. He's only teasing you._

"And this time, I'm keeping my word. Remember last time." he says.

The image of him thrusting into me. My head banging off the side of the car. The pleasured look of his face as he came.

He smiles. "I knew you would. I'll catch you alone soon enough Cass." he says kissing just below my ear. A tear escapes. _Please, go away._

He steps away. "Nice talking to you Cass." he says as he heads toward the door. My heart feels like it fell a thousand feet. I feel as if I just caught my breath.

In front of me, someone sets a Hershey chocolate bar on the checkout counter. I wipe my eyes. I ring it up in less than a second.

"Would you like a bag?" I ask without looking up.

"Uh no thanks. It's a gift."

I look up and are met with Owen's vibrant blue eyes. My eyes bulge with surprise, but I calm myself immediately.

"Nice to see you." I say with a straight face. "That'll be one dollar, please.'

He hands me the dollar. I put it into the register. "Come on Cass. I know you're mad at me. And you should be. It's been awhile since we've seen each other. Let me make it up to you." he says.

I shake my head. "I have no idea what your talking about."

He flashes his smile. Leaning over toward me. "Come on Cass. I said I was sorry. How 'bout I take you out for coffee? You like coffee?" he asks.

I nod. He's instantly become my favorite person. "I can have a twenty minute break. Want to take a walk?" I ask.

He nods. "Sure, but the candy bar is for you." he says.

I smile. "Really. What if I told you I hate chocolate." I lie.

"I tell you your full of it."

I take the candy off the register. "Thanks. And I don't hate chocolate. Just chocolate cake."

"What?! How can you hate chocolate anything?" he asks.

I smile. "Can we go get coffee, please?"

***

"So?"

"So?"

"You like your coffee?" Owen asks.

I nod. "Yes, I really appreciate it. I've had a bad couple of days."

He nods. "Haven't we all."

"So, where have you been?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Around."

I stop walking. "What does that me?" I ask.

"Listen. I told you I do some stupid shit to even me out. I didn't come here to tell you about my mistakes."

I cock my head to the side. "Then why did you come to see me? Really?"

The loud raucous laughter comes from around the corner. Its Vincent, again. "Hey looky here boys. Its Cass." Vincent says.

I stop dead in my tracks. "Hey Cass! Wanna hang?" one asks eliciting laughter from the other two.

I grab Owen's arm. "Lets go the other way."

"Who are they?" he asks.

"Owen please," I beg. "Can we please just go?"

"Ooh baby, got herself a new guy now." the other says.

I hold back tears. "Owen! Please!" I yell.

He sighs and we go the other way. I can breathe now. "Ah Cassie, baby, don't leave. We wanted to have some fun." they all laugh.

"Cass, who was that?"

I shake my head. "No one, just someone I went to high school with."

"No, I don't think so. I saw you with him earlier." he says. "Is he your boyfriend?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"Ex-boyfriend?" he asks.

"No,… just someone."

"I don't like him talking to you like that. He doesn't seem like… he has good intentions."

I laugh. "Does any guy?" I ask.

He stops. "Is that all you think I want from you? Think I just want to sleep with you?"

"Not you, just…. I haven't had the best relationships. Let's leave it at that."

"By who. One of those guys. It was that pretty boy wasn't it. That blond one."

I close my eyes to hold back the tears. "It doesn't matter Owen."

"The hell it does. It was him. I know it. What he do to you Cass?"

I start to cry, but I bury my face in my hands. "I cant tell you Owen. I just cant. It hurts too much. I've never told anyone." I cry.

He grabs my arms and shakes me. "Tell me Cass. I promise I can help if you just tell me."

I cry harder. "I cant. Don't you understand? Its too painful to talk about."

He sighs and lets go of my arms. "You don't have to give details. Just tell me," he says as I uncover my face. "was he violent with you?"

I sniffle and nod.

His hands turn into fists. His eyes turn green. "Where does the bastard live?"

******************************************************************************************

Three years ago…

1 am

I walk across the Wellington bridge in shreds. I wish I could get rid of the jacket, but that leave me nearly naked. I can barely stand. I have no idea where I'm going. Before I know it, I'm in front of Wellington General. _How did I make it to the hospital?_

Maybe I can report him. But… then I have to talk about it. Tell someone I was actually raped. Tell my parents that I was raped my the very kind of boy they warned me about. I wouldn't do it. I'll call… I don't know who to call. Randi cant very well drive and pick me up. She ask what happened, and I wouldn't be able to tell her. I could call my Mom, but then she wonder how I made it so far to the edge of town.

"Miss, are you alright?" a young nurse asks. _How did I make it to the front desk?_

"Yes, I'm fine." _Liar._

"_May I help you?" she asks. _

"_Yes, I…," there were so many things I could say. But I said one of the most important things. "I need to see about getting the morning after pill. I knew all too well the risk of pregnancy. I wasn't having a rapist's child. Not me._

"_Yes, of course."_

_She comes from behind the desks and leads me into a small curtained area. "I'll send someone for you. You can have a seat."_

_I sit on the papered seat. Trying to pull myself together but it is a futile effort._

_The curtain is drawn and a short black woman comes into the room. "How are you?" she asks._

"_I'm fine. Could I please have the pill so I can go?"_

_She nods and takes a seat. "Yes, but there are some things you need to know. The pill isn't fool proof. Ten out of every hundred become pregnant. So about a ten percent chance of still becoming pregnant. Especially if your young."_

"_Yes, I'm well aware. I just really need the pill so I can go." I say._

_She holds up a hand. "I'm not finished. It also depends on the time frame. If you get the pill relatively early after intercourse it shouldn't be a problem."_

_I sigh. "Please, I understand. I just… need to go."_

_She crosses her legs. Putting her hand to my knee. "Dear, were you raped?"_

_I hold back the hot tears. "No, I just need to have the pill." I say._

"_Dear, your covered in bruises, your clothes are torn, you look a mess. You look to me like a beautiful young woman and I just want to know what happened. I want to help you." she says._

"_If you want to help me, you'll give me the pill and let me go."_

"_Please. Let me help you. I know… it cant be easy to talk about this, but trust me when I say that every rape victim who didn't report it, felt they had made a mistake. There are ways we can help you. Now the sooner you tell me, the sooner I can find who did this to you."_

"_No one did anything to me! Okay? If you don't give me the pill you leave me at risk for getting pregnant. Now I'm sure you don't want that. Now, please, if you will give me the pill I will do anything you ask."_

_She nods and hands me the pill and a small cup of water. "I'd like for you to talk with the hospital social worker. She will have questions for you and we'd like to do a rape kit, if that's alright with you."_

_I nod. Swallowing the pill. "Thank you."_

"_This is more of a favor to yourself and you'll see that soon." she says._

_I smile. _

_She leaves me alone, and the instant I'm sure she's gone I escape. I even elude the woman at the front desk. Maybe she was right about what she said, but… I just cant face it yet. I may never will._


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't see Owen for a few days, again. I had no idea where he went. He be there one day, then gone the next. I didn't know what to do. I mean, we weren't anything. We weren't going out, but I like to know when and where he would appear. It was becoming rather annoying.

"Cass!" my mother calls from downstairs.

That's odd. She doesn't call my name often.

"Yes?" I call from my room.

"The phone's for you." she says.

Now that was something I haven't heard before.

I walk downstairs from my room. I walk into the kitchen where my mother holds out threw phone to me. "Who is it?" I ask.

"I think its that boy, he said it was an emergency."

I take the phone and answer, "Hello?"

"Cass, that you?" Owen asks.

"Uh yeah."

"Good. I need to ask a favor." he says.

I become hesitant. He disappears for days and now he needs a favor. "It depends what it is." I say.

"Aw come on. I know your pissed cause I haven't talked to you in a couple days, but this is kind of important." he says.

I sigh. "Fine, what is it?'

"Can you come bail me out of jail?"

"What?! How did you end up in jail?" I shout.

He pauses. "Its involved."

"How involved? Because if I come down there to bail you out it better be for a good reason."

He sighs. "Listen I don't have much time. I only get one phone call, but let's just say a ran into a certain friend of your's today."

It takes all my energy to hold the phone. I cant breathe. My heart races. My vision is blurry. "Owen, please… I cant handle this."

"Cass are you alright?"

I take deep breaths. Assuring myself I am in no danger. "Yes, I just… wasn't expecting that."

"So you'll come bail me out?' he asks.

"How much?" I ask.

"Two hundred and fifty," he says. "Do you have enough?"

"Yes, I'll be there in a minute." I say.

"Thanks Cass, I owe you one." and the line goes dead.

I cant believe it. He fought him. For me?

I hope they didn't harass him for being seen with me. For as long as I've been this way, I've been know as the town psycho. Never sleep, wearing all black, acting as if the world were coming to an end. If only they knew.

***

I take a deep breath before entering the police station. Only now do I realize that he may be here to. I walk in anyway. Knowing that Owen is waiting for me. I walk to the front desk. "I'm here to see Owen…," what is his last name any way?

"Guy charged with assault?" he asks.

I nod.

He leads me back to the holding cells. They aren't as bad as I pictured. "Cass you came!" Owen gushes.

I smile. "Of course. I mean, you did ask me."

He presses his face against the bars. "I know. I just thought I couldn't get that lucky. I hate asking you for money, but I'm a little short." he laughs.

"Its okay. I have some to spare."

***

Ten minutes later. We're walking down the street in the night.

"So, where's your car?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Probably got towed. I'll get it in the morning." he says.

I sigh. "Are you going to tell me why you ended up in jail?" I ask.

He nods. "Can we take a walk in the park?" he asks.

I nod. We walk down the paved pathway through the park passing up the monkey bars, slides, and merry-go-round. Making it to the swings he takes a seat. I sit beside him. We're silent a few minutes. The air is cold, but I ignore it.

"I came to your work to see you," he starts. "but you weren't there that day. I was prepared to wait for you, but… he was there too. I guess he came to see you too. He was pissed that you weren't there. Bragging to his friends about…." Owen trails off.

"Owen it doesn't matter. Its in the past." I say.

He nods. "I know. So I ignored him. Knowing my temper. But then he got to talking about how… he was going to…," Owen closes his eyes. Scared by what he's going to say. "Don't make me say it Cass." he cries.

"Its alright. I know what you're going to say. He told me of his… intentions already."

He turns to me. "How can you say nothing? You could have told me."

I shake my head. "Then what? Have you fight my battles for me? I don't need protected."

I let my head fall, looking at my feet. He takes my face in his hands. "Your stronger then you think Cass. I punched him because… someone should. No one should talk about you like that." He leans his face forward to kiss me.

I turn my head away. "Please, don't."

He looks at me confused. "Why? You push everyone away, but why me? The only one who understands, and is fighting for you. I don't understand Cass."

I sigh. "I don't expect you to."

"Would you tell me everything, if I asked?" he said.

I shook my head. "Would you tell me where you go?" I ask.

He looks at me. His eyes turning blue. "I told you I'm not proud of the things I do. I go away because I don't want you to see me like that, Cass."

"Well, I think I be more open with you if you were open with me." I say.

"I've been more open with you than you have with me."

I nod. "I know. But… it hurts you know. Its been locked up so long. The key's kind of rusty." I joke.

He laughs. "Okay. Do you want to see where I live?" he asks.

I nod. "Sure."

He smiles and kisses me. "There is so much I don't know about you, but, I feel like it doesn't matter."

I nod. "It doesn't. You know more about me than I do. Everything else just complicates things." I say. Leaning forward to kiss him again. "You've taught me to trust again."

**sorry its so short. but it was an essential chapter. Review!**


	12. Chapter 12

_**Sorry for the wait. I hope it was worth it. I had a major case of writer's block and then my laptop had to go and die on me. I had to use crappy PC and I hated it. Hopefully I get my laptop fixed soon.**_

We walk up the stairs to the door. He takes out his key and pauses at the door, "Are you sure about this?," he asks. I nod,

"I'm sure."

He takes a deep breath, but takes no move to the door. I put my hand on his forearm. "Owen, I can leave if you want me to." I say. "We can do this some other day."

He sighs. "No, let's get this over with." he finally unlocks the door and we enter the sparsely furnished living area. Ahead I can see the doorway which leads to the kitchen. The carpet is a dark and dingy green carpet. There is one grey recliner and a dark blue couch which is occupied by a woman. I guess she would be Owens's mother. She had the same golden blonde hair, but it looked as if it weren't washed in over a week. Which was probably the case.

"Mom, are you alright?" Owen asks tending to her. She stirs and looks a daze.

"Owen, is that you?" she asks. He smiles. She puts her hand to his cheek. " For a moment there I thought you were your father. You look so much like him…," she slurs and her eyes start to flutter.

He tries to support her weight on him. "Come on Mom. Time for bed." he says.

He carries her down the dark hall into a room. The light in the room comes on and I can hear the sound of bottles being moved around. Their hushed voices coming down the hall as I stand there in the doorway.

I'm not really sure what to do as I watch this intimate moment with Owen and his mom. I watch as he comes to the doorway of the room stopping to talk to her just before turning off the light and walking toward me. He sees me and smiles. His arms are full of beer bottles. Some vodka, and even some whisky.

"I'll be one more minute," he says.

I smile and nod. "Take your time."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He leads me away into his room. His room is small and simple, but clean. Not that he was dirty or anything, he just didn't seem like someone that would be tidy. I go over to his bed and take off my jacket. "I like your room,:" I say.

"Thanks," he says with his hands stuffed in his pockets. "This is the only room I can keep clean for any length of time.

I laugh. "You do seem to have your hands full." I joke.

He nods. "You need anything?" he asks.

I shake my head. "No," I says as I sit on his hard mattress. "I'm fine."

He nods and comes to sit beside me. We sit there a few minutes. Neither of us sure what to do. I play with a black jelly bracelet on my arm, while he tangles his fingers on a loose sting on his comforter. "What do we do?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "I don't know."

I sigh. "Do you like me?" I ask.

He turns to me. "In what way?"

I shrug. "You know. In a way more than a friend."

"Why do you ask?" he says.

"I know I like you Owen. I do and I want you to know that." I cringe waiting for what he says next.

He takes my hand. "I like you too. But if you haven't noticed my life is a bit screwed up. I don't think we should get involved."

I nod and turn to him. "I don't care. Your all I have now. I wish I die sometimes, just to be alone." I tear escapes. "but I don't want to be alone. Not really." I lean in to kiss the corner of his mouth.

He smiles. "I feel the same way. And knowing that there is someone who feels the same gives me comfort to know that I don't have to do this alone."

I nod and lay my head against his chest. He holds me in his arms and rocks me. "Do you find me attractive?"

He laughs. "Of course."

I look up at him and whisper. "Do you want to…. You know."

He looks at me confused. "What?"

I roll my eyes. "Do you want to have sex with me?" I ask. I know what I'm saying is dangerous territory. After all, who's to say I wont freak out and scare him away. But I know that what I feel for him is strong. And I do feel ready to go that far with him. I know I lost the first time, but I didn't want this to haunt me forever.

He looks into my eyes. "Cass, I do. Trust me, but I think we should be entirely sure this is what we want."

"But, this isn't my first time. I've done this before."

He shakes his head. "That's not what I'm taking about. I think we should be sure of what we be getting ourselves into. Sex changes everything."

I nod. "Your right. But sometime soon?" I ask.

He nods. "Sure."

******************************************************************************************

Three years ago…

2 am

I walk along the wall of the bridge. My shoes in my hands. My make up is smeared, my hair is tangled, and my innocence is broken. I've been wandering the town for hours. I was supposed to be home with Randi by now. Her parents were probably worried sick and called mine by now. But I cant think about anything. My eyes are glazed and tears pour down my face onto my mother's torn dress. I don't cry for me, or my innocence or anything like that. I cry because this might has hurt me. Hurt me so deeply the tears that flowed inside have begun to leak through.

Headlights up ahead blind me. I stop and wait for them to pass, but they stop right beside me. "Cass!" my father calls.

But I can barely hear him. "Cass, honey is that you?" my mother asks.

I hold back the bile that rises in my throat. I try to climb down but I almost slip, but my father's hand catches me just before I fall into the icy water below.

"Daddy?"

"I'm here darling, what is it?" he asks.

I shake my head. "I want to go home." I whisper.

He takes off his jacket and puts it around my shoulders. "Okay sweetheart, lets go."

"Gerald, is it her?" my mother calls.

He nods. "Yeah, I have her."

She runs to me and embraces me, but I barely feel this loving gesture. "My god Cass, what has happened to you?" she asks.

I shake my head slowly and look to the ground.

"Cassidy Ann, look at me!" she roughly grabs my face, but I flail my arms about. Remembering the way he grabbed my face roughly to make me look into his eyes as he raped me.

She looks at me confused. "What has happened to you?" she asks. "And what on earth are you doing wearing my dress?"

"I want t go home." I croak.

"Tell me what have you done to my dress!"

"Roxanne we just found her. Let's get her home and in bed." my father says.

My mother shakes her head and gets into the car. My father opens the back door and helps me in. "Rest now sweetie." he says. But I don't hear him. All I hear is the sound of my head banging on the side of the SUV.

As we drive down the road and toward home, all I can think is when is he coming to get me? When will hecome and kill me?


	13. Chapter 13

I don't think Owen realized how little I slept. We laid there awhile, his arms around me, rubbing soothing circles onto my arms. His house was cold. Very cold. I started to shiver and he threw a blanket around us, mostly me, to keep warm. I was only aware that he fell asleep when he stopped making circles on my arms.

I didn't know what to do then. I laid there in his arms feeling the soft blonde hair on his arms. Wishing I could just stay here with him. Wish there wasn't anything but me and him. There was no past, no present, only the future which would only consist of me and him. Me and Owen…. How wonderful it sounded.

I gently pushed his arm off me. Careful not to wake him. I went around the room and put my shoes back on. One last glance to make sure didn't forget anything. I had to stare a minute. Just to look at him. He looked so peaceful in sleep. I wished I could sleep like that. But life wasn't like that for me. I leaned down, and very softly kissed his cheek and whispered, "I owe you everything," before I walked out his door and hopefully not too far from his heart.

I walked down the quiet dark streets of my neighborhood I wondered how late I was. I wondered if my parents were worried. I was starting to come into view of the house. All the lights were off. Which wasn't unusual. They had to work in the morning. They most likely had to work in the morning an had to get to sleep. I was an adult, they didn't have to wait up for me. I could take care of myself.

As I stumbled into the house, and up the stairs into the bathroom, I paused a minute. To be sure they hadn't heard and come to check. It remained silent. As quietly as I could, I took my shower, brushed, and took my nightly medication. Being wit Owen had given me an unearthly calm. I felt as if I could sleep. And for once… I collapsed onto my bed, and didn't wake until morning.

The next morning, I discovered that my parents had made coffee. I almost jumped for joy when I saw the almost full pot. I quickly poured the black liquid into a cup and guzzled it down black and hot. Scorching down my throat. I could almost feel the relief… almost.

My mother walked by in her black pant suit and black Prada. She barely looked at me. She put her bag onto the island taking out her mirror to check her polished hair, and perfect make up. "You were out late last night." she mentioned applying a rosy red lipstick to her lips.

I shrugged. "Didn't think you notice."

She gave me one last look and closed her compact with force, shoving it into her bag. She hurriedly placed the bag onto her shoulder and rushed to the door. She paused just as she opened it, "By the way, that's decaf." and then slammed the door.

I looked at the cup in shock. As if it had betrayed me. I turned quickly and tore through the cupboards looking for the coffee can. When I find it, my hopes are shattered. What kind of sick joke is this:?

By this time I have been standing at my register for over five hours. Now that I have a reason to, I stepped out for ten minutes to take a break. I was hoping to catch Owen. Hopefully he happened to drive by and catch me on break. This just couldn't be that easy.

"Hey Cass!" a vicious voice calls my name.

I quickly swallow the bile in my throat and run to try to get back into the shelter of the building. But he's just too fast. "Hey I was calling you," Vincent says with his dragon breath. I take deep breaths.

:"What do you want?" I ask.

He smiles and takes my the back of my neck in his hands. "I just wanted to say hi." he breaths. "I've missed you. I can never catch you alone." he laughs. "Until now."

A tear escapes. "I have to get back to work." I cry.

He shakes his head and pulls the roots of my hair. I cringe. "I got a score to settle with you. That little boyfriend of yours didn't like how we did in the past. didn't like what I planned for the near future."

I shook my head. "I'm waiting for him you know? He wont like this."

His face fumes. He holds my hair tighter. Bringing my face to his lips, so that we are barely touching. "You were mine first. Now one wanted you, no one. Your lucky I even thought about you!" he seethed.

I wish it weren't so dark. I wish someone would see what he's doing to me. We're practically in an alley. In a last attempt to escape I pushed from his chest. I tried to run but he was faster. He grabbed my arms making imprints of his fingers on my arms. I started to cry, but that just made him angrier. He raised his hand and came down on my face. I stopped immediately. I stopped thinking, stopped breathing, stopped crying. He laughed, looking at my fallen body on the sidewalk. "Your such a weak bitch. Now one cares what happens to you. I'll get what I want," he chuckled. "I always do."

I could feel the blood coming from my nose. The taste of it in my mouth. He pulled me up forcefully and kissed me hard on the lips. His tongue exploring my mouth, but I didn't react. I let him do whatever he wanted. I had no control. His hands ran up and down my body. He paid particular attention to my breasts, squeezing hard earning him a moan, which was more in pain then from pleasure. He pulled back and looked at me and laughed. He put a hand to my heated cheek where he struck me. Running his hand through my hair, almost in a loving gesture. Almost. \

He brought his hand to the back of my neck and brought me back for one more kiss. He smiled. "One for the road." he said. I nodded. "I'll see you later." he said.

I was home, I went straight to my room and cried. I rocked myself on my bed. Begging someone to kill me. Because he never leave me alone. Whatever fascination he found with me, he wasn't going to stop till he had his fill.

"Cass!" my mother called.

I sniffed and wiped my nose on my black long sleeved shirt. "Yes!"

"Could you get the door? I'm kind of in the middle of something."

I rolled my eyes and went downstairs to get the door. It rang one more time just as I answered. "Hey," Owen said causally.

I smiled. It was as if he warmed my heart. "Hey."

"Cass! Who is it?" my mothers asks.

"Umm… its for me." I answer.

"Oh, well let whoever it is in. You're letting the warm air out." she calls.

I stand aside. "Would you like to come in?" I ask.

He nods. "Sure. I guess I could for a minute."

I close the door behind him and we stand there in the foyer wonder what exactly we're supposed to say. "So, uh… what do you want?" I ask

"Oh that's nice. Can't I just stop by to see you?" he jokes.

"I cant have another repeat of that night. No more sleepovers" I laugh.

"No, I actually wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tonight. You know, see how I spend my life when I'm not with you." I nod.

"Sure. I'll just get my coat and tell my Mom." I go to the closet and take out my black pea coat. He comes over and helps me put it on. I know that kind of thing doesn't happen anymore, but I remember a time when someone who treated me like a lady and then went back on everything. I was not moved by this gesture at all. I wasn't an idiot anymore.

I grab his hand and walk into the dining room where my mother uses it as her office since my father's is off limits. Papers a strewn all over the table. A carton of steaming Chinese sits on the table. Her wire framed glasses sit perched at the end of her nose. As we walk in she pushes them up slightly. "Mom, I'm going out for awhile."

She looks at me from under her glasses. "Isn't it a little late?" she asks, looking at her watch. "It's almost nine."

I grab the back of a chair. "Mom, I'm an adult. I'm only telling you to be courteous." I say.

She shrugs. "I'm still your mother and I still worry. Can you at least be back sometime tonight?" she asks.

"I'll have her home with time to spare, ma'am." Owen says.

She nods. "I like the way he thinks." she laughs.

I grab Owens's arm. "Alright let's go." I say.

He laughs and follows me out the door. I hurry into his truck and look into the mirror. My eyes are red and swollen. Hopefully he thinks it allergies. He gets in and starts the truck. He backs out the driveway and heads toward the South side of town. "Are you going to tell me why you were crying?" he asks.

I shake my head. "Allergies." I lie.

He doesn't buy it. "I'm only taking you with me because he I want to be completely honest with each other. How can you expect me to be honest, but not be honest with me?" he asks.

I look out the window. "Its hard to be honest with other people, when you cant be honest with yourself." I say.

He pulls into a driveway and turns off the truck. "Who hit you?" he asks.

I put my hand to my red heated cheek. "No one." I lie. "Sunburn."

"In November?" he questions. "I don't think so."

A single tear rolls down my cheek. "Let's not do this." I cry.

"Cass, let me-," but I jerk from his touch as it comes to my neck. He looks at me shocked. "I told him not to touch you!" Owen roars.

"Owen, let it go. Please, I aggravated him. Its my fault." I say trying to calm him.

"The hell it is!" he shouts. "I told him to keep his hands off you! He shouldn't be anywhere near you! I should-," but he put his feverish mouth to my own. Running my hands through his hair.

I pull back and look into his face. "Better?" I ask.

"I should kill him," Owen says as I kiss his jaw. "Make him wish…,"he says as I kiss his neck softly. "he were never born…."

I laugh and kiss his Adam's apple. "Better now?" I ask.

He leas I to kiss me one more time. "Now I am." I smile.

"Promise you wont do anything stupid." I warn.

He shakes his head. "No guarantees."

I give him a warning look. "I mean it. Don't stoop to his level."

"Let's go." he says.


	14. Chapter 14

Owen take my hand and leads me to the door. He doesn't knock. He just goes right in as if this were his own house. I can feel my palms begin to sweat. I want to pull my hand from his grasp and wipe it on my jeans, but he keeps a firm grip. He walks right through the living room where there is no one, and goes right into the kitchen. A tall skinny man is at the stove with a spoon over the flame. I see several other men at the table and one girl. Her hair is a greasy version of a dirty blonde. They all have bags under their eyes. They all look lost and dazed. A belt sits on the table. Along with other fie powders. None of which look like they should be injected into the body.

Yes, they were getting high. On heroin. I was partially in shock. Because I have never even been in the same neighborhood as drugs. I knew how bad they were for you, and I had no desire for them.

"Hey Owen, just in time buddy," the man says at the stove. His voice is rough. Like he smoked for fifty years. Owen wasn't lie these people. He was glowing, beautiful. His skin wasn't grey, his bones weren't protruding. he looked like any normal person. That' s what I loved about him.

"Yeah I hope you don't mind but I brought a friend."

"She ain't a cop is she?" one asks.

Owen shakes his head. "Nope. At least as far as I know." he jokes.

I laugh s little. But only s little seeing as that the situation is far from funny. Owen leans down to whisper, "You alright?"

I nod. "Super."

He pulls me to the table and sits down only to pull me onto his lap. I actually kind of like this. He keeps his hold on me. I lean back and all have to focus on is his heart beating with mine.

"I don't think I'm going to take a hit today." Owen says.

I jerk up. " No, you don't have to because of me." I say. "Really I don't mind at all."

He shrugs. "Alright, not too much though. I don't want to be here all night." he says.

I shift over onto one of his legs. He's given a needle, then the man at stove come over with the spoon. Owen puts the needle in the clear liquid in the spoon, then pulling back the syringe. He takes the belt from the table strapping it tightly at his elbow, making his veins protrude. He sticks the needle into the skin plunging down the syringe. The moment the liquid was running through his veins, he became weak. But he was enjoying it. I was amazed. He threw his head back in ecstasy. His eyes rolled around in hi head a little. Almost as if he left us in that kitchen. He made no noise.

I was amazed at what it did to his body. I wondered what it would feel like. He obviously wasn't strung out on heroin or any other drugs. He looked absolutely flawless.

"Can I try some?" I ask.

He throws his head forward to look at me. His eyes are wide and his eyes dilated. "I don't want you getting hooked on this stuff." he slurs.

Already its reached his brain. I bite my lip. "I just… I want to know what it feels like." I whisper.

"It feels good, but a bad kinda good. Like he said, you don't want to get hooked on this." The woman says.

I look back at Owen. "I want to… really," I promise. "I just want to try."

He nods his head slowly. I go to grab for the syringe, but he grabs my wrist. "You cant… start out injecting… you might want to snort it." he slurs even slower.

I nod. Not even really sure I want to snort something. The dark haired man slides over a tray. On it are thin white powder lines. Next to them are thin straws. I take a straw and put it to a nostril. I don't think I can do this, but their all looking at me with their glazed bloodshot eyes. Expecting something, anything to happen. But I don't think I can do it.

I closed my other nostril, leaning down to put the straw to the thin white line. I take a deep breath before I inhale. All I could feel was the "rush". my mind was dizzy with the feeling. It felt incredible! I felt more awake than I ever had. I felt like I never had to sleep. It was such an euphoria. It was so good I let out a moan.

"Feel better?" Owen asks rubbing my shoulders.

I smile and nod. "Much." I say leaning back against his chest. Though I feel anything but tired. Owen starts to run his hands up and down my arms. I can feel that our skin is warm and flushed. We both breathe slowly, but I'm wide awake. We watch as the others get their 'fix'. seeing their own faces become alert and awake.

"You gonna pay for her Owen?" the man that was a the stove asks. His voice is slurred and slow, but he is coherent enough to make sure he gets paid.

Owen looks down at me, then back at him. "Yeah," he says taking out his wallet placing several bills on the table. I don't even want to think about how much it is. Only how good it feels and how badly I want it again.

Several hours later Owen and I made it back to the truck. He didn't want to drive with anything in his system, especially when I was with him.

"This is why a disappear." he says.

I nod. "Why so long?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Different reasons. I get so strung up on it sometimes I lose track of time. One week will go by, but it seemed like an hour. Sometimes my Mom chews me out about it. You wouldn't tell buy looking at her, but she is really against drugs even though she's an alcoholic. She knows I spend our money on it. She knows that we cant afford to have two addicts in the family." he sighs. Sometimes it's a combination of both. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." he says.

I smile. "I'm just glad you told me. Well… showed me. And besides, I had fun today. Not the liveliest bunch are they?" I laugh.

He shakes his head. "They're hard core addicts. Most have been addicted for years. Nice people, just kind of messed up." he says.

"We can understand that." I joke. He takes my hand brings it to his lips. "I wished you wouldn't have tried some. Its not good for you. I don't want you to end up like me." he says.

I cock my head in confusion. "I don't entirely know what you mean." I say.

He begins to play with my fingers absentmindedly. "I don't exactly stick to one drug. I more along the lines experiment. It… keeps things interesting, you know?" he questions. I nod. "Its different every time I try something new. You never get the same feeling after a first fix. Most crave it, and get an addiction wanting to seek that first high again. I guess you could say I'm wired differently." he jokes.

I smile and shake my head, brushing a lock from his face. "You don't have to explain anything to me. I haven't ever felt this way. And I don't just mean the drugs. Just…everything is different. I love it. I love feeling like there is something to look forward to everyday. Just this way of life. I wasn't living Owen. I felt like I was dying in that house. Sitting there awake all the time waiting for someone to come get me. Waiting for _him_. Knowing that whatever I did he know I did it. But you made me realize that I can have some control. I want to spend time with you. I want to do drugs and every other bad thing there is because I can and I want to. I'm not scared anymore." I admit.

He takes my face in his hands, cradling my face as is it were made of the finest glass. He brings my face to his to kiss me. But I think the buzz in my system is still there. I feel it rush in my veins. Making me ache for him want him more than I think was possible. I kiss him fiercely, both of us fighting for dominance. Our tongues dance together. My hands slicked to his hot feverish neck. Our jackets peeling off first, then our shirts. This is the only time I can remember actually being with a guy. Rather than forced. I love it. I love the way his hands feel down my ribcage. The way his mouth is on my neck, his tongue darting out to taste me flesh. I moan in delight as his hands descend lower, just above the bruise that was left from my previous encounter.

I resist the urge to jump, flinch, or run. I simply pull back slightly as if I need a break.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I nod. "Yeah, I just… need a minute." I say taking deep breaths. Hoping he cant tell I'm hyperventilating.

He gives me a minute to catch my breath, then slowing comes closer to begin on my neck. His hands are high this time. His hands on my upper back, where I would like them to stay.

He senses my distress. "Tell me what's wrong," he mumbles into my neck.

"I was just thinking." I lie.

He laughs against my skin. "What could you possibly be thinking about at a time like this?"

I shrug. "I don't know. There's lots to be thinking about. As bad as I want you there has to be a little thinking." he laughs.

"That bad?" he questions.

I nod. "You have no idea."

"I show you how bad I want you if we weren't in my funky truck, and still a little high from the fix."

I laugh. "I don't mind, you know? Its not my first time or anything. You don't have to make it this huge romantic fiasco." I tease.

He nods. "I know. Your important to me. I just want to make your time with me better then that jerk-off I had to punch." I laugh, but inside I flinch. He could set fore to me and I would have had a great time compared to _him._

I nod. " I guess we're done for the night?" I ask.

He nods. "We better before we do it in my funky truck." I laugh and we put our shirts back on. "Can I stay with you tonight?"

He starts the engine, but leaves it in park. "Didn't we promise your mother I have you home _before_ dawn?"

I shrug. "My memories a little fuzzy fro the drugs. " I joke.

He gives me a look. I sigh. "I sleep better when I'm with you."

"Unless your parents let me stay the night," he teases. I laugh a little.

"Not likely. You better just take me home." I say.

He nods. " I got a present for you."

I smile. "Really, what is it?" I ask.

"Its in the glove compartment." he says.

I open the compartment and take out a lone envelope with my name written on the front. I look inside and gasp. "What is this?"

"The money I owe you. You didn't think I was going to have you bail me out without paying you back, did you?" he asked.

I shake my head. "I don't need this. Besides, that money was a favor to you. You don't need to pay me back. " I say.

He shakes his head. "I wont take no for answer." he says.

I sigh. I vow to myself to get him something with this money. Something that shows him just how much I care about hi and every thing he does for me.

**Kind of intense, I know. Things will get a little crazy from now on. Next chapter will be part flashback. Cass goes to school! (in flashback) She'll have to face Vincent knowing what he did to her. I wonder what he'll do. I have a challenge for you all. I'm introducing a character into the present. If you can guess how it is I'll give you an excerpt of a future chapter! Good Luck!**


	15. Chapter 15

After Owen drops me off I walk into a dark house. It seems almost as if no one lives here. I hear the ticking of the grandfather clock as I ascend the stairs. Tonight I don't feel like taking any medication. Tonight I want to be myself. I want to feel every emotion hit me at full speed.

I shrug off my jacket and collapse onto my bed. Going through tonight's events, I cant believe it. I took drugs. I got high off of heroin, and then I almost had sex with Owen. What was I thinking? I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything. But I took the drugs, because they were watching me. But I didn't have sex with Owen. That's one thing I'm not brave enough to do.

At this point I don't know how much it will hurt me. How much it will hurt him. I can never tell him what happened. Because its better not to know. Its better to think the worst, rather than the truth. I sigh into my pillow and turn my head toward my closet. Even in the darkness I can see it. The black and yellow jersey jacket.

Three years ago…

2:30 am

I can barely hold myself together, so my father does it for me. He carefully takes me out of the backseat, and carries me upstairs into my bedroom. In the background I can hear my mother.

"Gerald, what do you think has happened to her?" my mother asks.

He shakes his head and lays me on my bed, covering me with a blanket. "I wish I knew." he says gazing down at me. I have a glazed over look. I closes my eyes so that they don't worry. Because I know what my eyes look like. Because I know what I saw tonight. I know what I felt. And I know it has changed me.

When they leave the room, shutting the door behind them I sit up instantly shedding his jacket off me. I throw it into my closet then jumping from my bed wondering what to do next. I take off my mother's torn dress. The only clothing he didn't destroy. I pull the pins from my hair letting it fall down my back. I grab a robe and run to the bathroom. I lock the door and run a bath. It put it on as hot as it can go. I don't want any trace of him on me. I stand at the mirror as the bath runs. I carefully let down the rob and glance at my naked form. there are bruises everywhere. My skin feels dirty and grimy, all I can do is cry and wonder what happen and what went wrong.

"Cass!" my father calls while knocking on the door.

I cross my arms across my chest. "Y-yes," I say trying to sound like I'm not crying.

"Are you alright?" he asks.

"Yeah… I just wanted to take a bath before bed. "

"Not to late okay?" he says

"Okay."

When I am sure he has gone to bed, I carefully sink down into the water. I hold my knees up to my chest. Letting my head rest against my knees. Maybe if I wake up… this will all be a dream….

***

On Monday, my mother made me go to school. All weekend I sat in my room. I barely ate without the urge to throw it up. I couldn't think, or speak , or even sleep. To possibly get away from this. My nightmares were never this bad. I would take a nightmare to this any day.

I didn't try to even look presentable. I threw on the nearest sweatpants and a long sleeve cotton shirt. I threw on my flip flops and walked slowly down the stairs. I could smell breakfast. I wanted to puke. I could feel it in my throat. I ran to the nearest bathroom and puked.

My father rushes in to see what's the matter. "What happened?" he asked.

I shook my head. There wasn't anything left to say. They didn't listen to a word I said. My mother came in with a disgusted look. "You're not getting out of school with fake vomiting. You're going to school Cass. I don't care what happens." she says.

I nod and wipe off my mouth. I flush the toilet and go into the kitchen to retrieve my book bag. "Aren't you going to have breakfast." my father asks.

I shake my head and sling the bag over my shoulder on my way out the door. "Remember you're grounded Cassidy. No friends, no mall, no nothing. Straight to school, straight home." he says with a serious look. I nod my head and walk out the door closing it behind me.

I walk around the house to the front to wait for the bus. It isn't long before it pulls up and I walk onto the bus. I pick I seat mostly in the back. I curl up so hopefully no one will see me. I want to be invisible. I want to disappear. I want to never have existed. Or at least die quietly in this seat, so that this pain in my chest will go away. So that whatever is trying to wretch my heart out will leave me alone.

Ten minutes later I'm at the high school and I 'm walking through crowds. Apparently word got around about the party I went to last night because all the groups I usually hang out with are turning toward each other and whispering. At least they'll leave me alone. I don't care what they say about me. Because I'm the one who know what really happened.

"Cass!" Randi runs up to me and shakes me by the shoulders. "What the hell happened to you? One minute you're with Vincent and the next your gone. I was so worried about you. I went home to my parents and they freaked and called yours. And just this morning I'm hearing you went to a college party with Vincent and…, well I don't think you want to hear the rest." she says.

I nod. "You're right," I whisper. " I don't. I know what happened." I say just before I go to walk away.

"Wait, Cass." she grabs me again. I can feel her small hands on the bruises he left. I hold back the urge to cry. "What did happen? I don't believe a word any one says. I believe you. Just tell me what happened." she begs.

I shake my head. Trying carefully to remove her hands from my sore arms. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." I whisper.

"Yes I would! You're my best friend. I love you, just tell me what happened." she begs.

"I… cant Randi. I really cant."

She takes a step back. "Well now I see that Vincent means more to you than I do. You go off and do whatever you want with him and then you don't tell me." she says. "You know what? Everyone's probably right. You probably spent all night fucking him. Well go ahead. I don't care. Fuck each others brains out. You're not my friend anymore." she says and walks away.

I try to gain control of my body to grab her arm before she leaves. But my body remains motionless. I want to fall in her arms and cry. To scream and cry until I cant cry anymore. But I cant. I want to tell her what happened and I want her to make it alright like she always does, but I know she cant. I love her too much to have her deal with this. Because I know she'll blame herself. She'll scream and cry with me as if she were going through the pain also. She means too much for me to put her through that. So I'll stay silent.

I go through my classes in silence. In the halls people giggle and snicker. Probably guessing what me and Vincent did after we left the party. I'm too scared to even think what would happened if I stayed him. Spent all night at his house. I cant even imagine.

I have last lunch. I find a secluded corner to sit quietly in. hopefully clear my head of all the snickers from girls and all the catcalls from the guys. And most of all, I pray I wont see Vincent. I have this lunch with him. I haven't seen him yet. Mostly because I kept my head down most of the day. Becoming very familiar with the marble floor.

"Cass," I look up from the table and I see _him._ I nearly scream, but the tears begin to fall. I stand up quickly and try to look for a way out but there isn't anywhere to go. I cling to the fence as he stalks over to me. He's fuming.

"Where the hell have you been?" he yells.

I been to shake. I sink to the pavement. Looking up at him as he stands over me.

He grabs me up fast and pushes me against the fence. "I leave you alone for two minutes and you leave!" he roars.

I shake my head.

"What then?" he asks. "Off to find another fuck?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"You better speak to me bitch!"

"I… had to be home." I stutter.

"I told you that you were spending the night with me. Your lucky no one fucking knows about that stunt you pulled. They think we went home together. Which is how I like things. You ignore what they say for now, you hear me?"

"Y-yes."

He smiles and kisses me sweetly. "Good, we're on the same page. I'm willing to forgive that little stunt if you behave like the good girlfriend you're supposed to be."

I begin to shake my head. He grabs my chin roughly, "No? You trying to say no bitch?" he screams into my face. His peppermint breath in my face.

"I…I'm not your girlfriend." I whisper.

His face begins to redden. "Says who? You? I'm the one in charge bitch. Vincent Young doesn't have one night stands. I have relationships like a good respectable guy. Right?" he asks.

I nod furiously. He smiles, "Which means that us having a one night stand makes me look bad. You being the virgin freshman makes me look even worse. So you see my problem. There are no secrets in this town. You don't tell a soul what happened. Or word will get around to my parents that I spent all night with a freshman. So you are my girlfriend and that's they way its going to be for awhile. Or there will be hell to pay." he warns.

"B-but…,"

"But what?" he asks.

Tears stream down my face. "You raped me." I whisper.

"Listen, I was… a little out of it. I had too much to drink. So did you. It may seem that way, but really it isn't. Our sex was consensual. You cant go telling people that it wasn't. I have a good full ride scholarship. You even accusing me of rape will ruin me. I'm a little better with a drink then you are. I know what happened. Your memory is just fuzzy. You wanted it. I know you did. You went to the party with me. So no more talk of this rape stuff, right?" he asks.

My eyes glaze over. The sound of my screams begging him to stop, screaming and crying. Yelling for help. How can he not know what he did. I didn't believe him for a second. He knew what he was doing to me. He didn't have that much to drink. Just enough to get a bit tipsy. He was driving for crying out loud. He raped me and was trying to trick me into thinking nothing happened. That we had sex consensually. But I really knew. But I would play along with his game is that's what he wanted.

I nodded. He smiled and kissed me hard. I could feel his stubble on my face. He ran hi hands down my body to my thighs. They hurt the most. Especially where his hands held me for leverage. I hold back my cries. He picks me up and wraps my legs around his waist. I begin to cry, but he ignores me. Probably enjoying it. He leans me back on the fence. Grinding into me. I begin to feel his arousal on my stomach. My heart skips a beat. I whimper and he laughs.

"We cant do that here, sweetheart." he says running his hands though my hair. "But wait till after school. Then, we'll have some fun." he smirks.

I nod. Trying to think of an escape plan.

Then the bell begins to ring signifying the end of lunch. He grabs my hand. "Come on, I'll walk you to your next class." he says.

I nod.

"Umm and by the way. I know you weren't on birth control and we didn't use protection, but I was just wondering if there was any chance that you know…, you might get pregnant."

I shake my head ad let my head fall. "I don't think so. I took he morning after pill," I whisper.

He lifts my chin and kisses me sweetly. "That's my girl." he coos. "But if you did, I want you to know, that I cant really be tied down like that. You understand?" he asks.

I nod and he smiles and kisses me again.

"Good. If you do get pregnant, I will help you take care of it." he says. "I always fix my mistakes." he says.

I nod. We finally agree on something.

He kisses me one last time. Before I realize that my hell isn't over yet.

***

It takes many hours before I fall asleep. Just as the sun begins to rise, do my eyelids begin to droop, then finally close. When I wake up in the morning my parents are already gone. Their bed is made, the kitchen already clean, and no not to show. They left and probably didn't think once about me. How can to people be so selfish, so inconsiderate? Of their own child?

I put them out of my mind. Just as they do to me. I take an apple from the middle of the table where my mother has so carefully arranged and assortment of different fruits for display. But most often it ends up being my lunch. She never complains when her art becomes eaten, so I guess that may be her way of making sure I have a breakfast, either that or she doesn't care enough to ask.

I walk to work today. Deep down I hope I will see Owen, but I know I wont. But any chance I have I'll take. I hope that I can repay him for all he does for me.

I walk into the market and stand at my register like I always do. I don't even know why I work. I don't need the money. I've been saving since I graduated, and I don't know what to do with the money. I mostly do it because it fills the void of time, but now that I'm sleeping a little better, its getting easier to get through the day. Hopefully now I will see Owen everyday and everything will be…. I don't even know how to finish that sentence. I don't even remember what its like to have a normal life.

It seems as if I've always had this life. Like I've always suffered from insomnia. That I've always had problems. But it wasn't always like this. There was a time when my room wasn't a dark hole in the house. When I could go out in public and not be so acquainted with the floor. I use to hold my head up high and think about gorgeous guys and wonder about how wonderful it be to have one of those gorgeous guys. I use to want to shop and do my makeup and hang out with friends. Now I didn't even have friends. I didn't even talk to people.

I use to have radiant skin that glowed, along with long shiny hair. I didn't always have scars on my arms from cutting. My hair wasn't always a dull dark brown because I hardly ever eat. I used to be happy all the time. Now… I didn't even know how to go about my life.

"Cassidy?" I shy voice asked.

I look up and was met with Randi's shy blue eyes. I nodded.

"How are you?" she asked.

I smiled. "I'm… good." I say.

She smiles back. "I'm glad. God, I barely recognized you." she laughs.

I nod. "You got taller."

She laughs. "Yeah, I finally had that growth spurt. Just in time for college."

I nod. "You here for vacation?" I asked.

She nods. "My parents made me come and see them before I went to Europe for two weeks. Remember how we always used to say we go to Rome and find our husbands." she laughs.

I nod. "I remember."

She looks at me concerned. "They said it was bad, but I didn't think it was true. Cassidy, what happened to you?" she asks.

I shake my head. "I grew up."

She nods. "I can see that. But it just seems so…unlike you. Today was probably the first smile I've seen from you in three years."

I nod. "Last month I was worse," I laugh.

She shakes her head. "I wish we could have stayed friends. It seems like you really need one." she says fingering her now long blonde hair.

I shrug. "I don't think people want to be my friend." I joke.

"No that isn't true." she says.

I shake my head. "You know it is. People have been talking about me for years. Some of it is true, a lot of it isn't.."

"Was it… you know, Vincent? I heard you guys never really broke up. I mean, it must be kind of hard on you. Always back and fourth with him."

I shake my head. "We're not going out. We… don't talk much at all." I say.

She nods. "I heard he got jealous. Said you were going out with some guy behind his back. Got punched by the guy was what I heard."

I laugh. "That's true."

She laughs. "Really. I didn't think you be dating." she said.

I nod. "Me either."

"So things are getting better for you?" she asks.

I nod. "Yeah,"

She smiles and says, "I'm glad. I'll be back in time for Christmas, so I guess I'll see you then?" she asks.

I nod. "I'll see you, Randi."

She smiles and walks out the door and out of my life again.

**Make sure you review and add me to your author alerts! And check out my other stories! All my own ideas! You dont have to have read the book to read my stories. They are all my own ideas!  
**


	16. Chapter 16

Song: Broken by Seether feat. Amy lee

"Cass, why don't you tell me about this mystery guy of yours." Penny say making herself more comfortable in her beanbag chair.

I played with the beaded fraying on the carpet. "I don't really want to talk about him." I say not making eye contact. Thinking that she might see my bloodshot eyes.

"Are you two not speaking?" she asks.

I shrug, I don't want her to know that we did more than talk. That our relationship has become intense.

She nods. "I see. Well, what do you want to talk about?" she asks scribbling something down on her clipboard. She only does this when I act different. I usually make an effort to make conversation since I used to never have any other human contact. Now that I had Owen I didn't feel such a need to talk to her. She was starting to notice.

"I don't feel much like talking today," I murmur under my breath. "I don't feel well."

She sighs and puts down her clipboard. "Well, what would you like to do then? Stare?" she asks.

I finally look up at her. "No, I just think that I rather be home right now."

"Oh really," she says with raised eyebrows eyeing me. "Your parents tell me that you hardly spend anytime at home anymore. You come in at all hours of the night. I think you rather be anywhere but home."

I shrug. "My parents were the one who thought I needed to get out. I cant sleep there, and they hate me. I cant stand it." I nearly scream.

"So, your sleeping now?" she asks. "That's new."

I stand up. "Listen, I don't need you to analyze my life anymore. I can take care of myself. I've practically moved out already. I don't need them to take care of me. I've figured things out for myself."

She looks at me with wide green eyes from the floor. "Alright, that's understandable. I've only tried to help you. You talking like this too me is making feel like you don't appreciate what I've done for you."

I sigh. "I'm sorry, it's just that I wish I could yell at them and have them actually listen to me. You were the only one to ever listen, it nice to be heard." I whisper.

She nods. "I know. That's why I think we should still have these sessions. Figure a way to help you talk to them, get them to listen." she pats the seat next to her.

I shake my head. "I have to go."

He face falls. "Where do you have to be Cass that's more important than you? Is this boy more important than you?' she asks.

"He cares about me, he' the only one I can trust." I cross my arms and laugh. "I love him, more than anything. More than me. And as hard as that may be for you to understand, he loves me too. I'm with him because he makes me happy and I haven't been happy in years. He's done in one week what you've been trying to do for years. Make me 'normal'. Well I sleep now, and I eat at least three times a day, and I look forward to each day. You don't have any help that I want I have all the help I need. I won't be coming back." I say as I go to walk out the door.

"Is it the drugs Cass?" I pause at the door. "Do those drugs make you happy?" she asks.

"Its none of your business." I grumble.

"They cant love you Cass. When he goes, all you'll have is those drugs, and they don't love you." she says.

I turn around fast and look her in the eyes. "He wont leave me. We understand each other. We'll always be together."

She shook her head. "You of all people should know boys are not what they make themselves out to be. Don't throw your life out with his."

I turn back to the door. "Goodbye Dr. Welles

***

I opened the door to Owen's room, and saw him scrawled across his bed. He had his headphones listening to some rock band. His eyes were closed and I had to laugh seeing him like this. He was so cute when he was sleeping. I dropped my bag by the door and went over to his bed to sit beside him. I leaned down and kissed his forehead.

I shook him a little but he didn't wake up. I looked over on his nightstand and saw a needle, a spoon, and the remnants of a fine white powder. I sighed.

"Oh Owen." I push back his hair and kiss his lips. I took his arm and saw the tracks in his arms. I almost cry. I hate seeing him like this. He wasn't so bad when I just started. But now that I was used to it now, he felt more comfortable with using more often. It worries me. He wasn't always himself.

He opens his eyes and smiles at me. I smiled back as he sat up and took off his headphones. "Hey, I didn't hear you come in." he says.

I nodded and looked over at the nightstand. "This is the second time today." I say.

He nods and took his arm from my fingers. "Don't worry about it. I can take care of myself."

I shake my head. "I saw the notices. You cant use so much. Think about your Mom." I say.

His face fell. "Its not as easy as it looks. You have no idea the responsibility." he seethes.

I nod. "I'm sorry. Its just… that I hate seeing you like this." I almost cried.

He takes me in his arms and comforts me. I lay on the bed with him. Curled at his side, feeling the blond hairs on his arms. "I worry about you too. Has anyone been bothering you lately?" he asks.

I shake my head. "No, I decided that I'm going to stop going to therapy."

"Really? You think that's a good idea." he asks.

I shrug. "My parents will probably flip, but I don't care. I hate going." I murmur.

He puts his lips on the back of my neck. "I wish you wouldn't. I wish you would go and stay away from me, I'm no good for you."

I turn in his arms and put my hands on his face. "I gave it up for you. I don't need them. All I need is you. You make me happy, that's all that matters."

He sighs and closes his eyes and puts his head on my chest. "Can I tell you something?" he asks.

I nod. "You can tell me anything."

He sighs again and begins to tremble. "What is it?" I ask.

"I love you Cassidy. I hate that I do. I hate that you might feel the same. That you might want me, I hate that I want you."

"Owen?"

"Yes?'

"I think I'm ready to tell you." I whisper into his hair.

He looks up at me. "Tell me what?" he asks.

"What really happened."

**I know its been awhile. i promise not to go that long again. Things will start getting good in the next chapter so review and I'll update sooner!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Sorry for the wait, school is taking away my writing time.**

I went home with a huge headache. It took hours to convince Owen to not kill Vincent. He was furious. He screamed and shouted, throwing things everywhere. I used soothing words and soft gestures to calm him, but it was to no avail. I eventually ended up yelling and shouting back. During that whole fight, his mother did not stir once. Too tired from her resent drunkenness.

He was going to kill him and I was doing everything I could to stop him. After all he did to me, I still didn't want to admit what he did to me. I did the only thing I could to stop Owen, just as he was getting in the car I told him I leave him.

At the mention of my leaving he got out of the car and crushed me to him. He begged me to not leave. That he wanted me to stay and that he only wanted to protect me. He promised that he would stay away from Vincent, as long as I didn't leave him. So I promised him I wouldn't. Not that I would ever want to. I didn't even tell him the whole story. I told him that when I was a freshmen, he asked me out and tricked me into a abusive relationship. Which is mostly true.

I came home and crashed onto my bed. I took out the small plastic bag of heroin in my pocket. I defiantly needed some tonight. Most nights I didn't do it with out Owen, but tonight was different. He's left me physically exhausted.

I just pushed down the plunger when my mother began banging on my door. "Cassidy, we need to talk! Now!" I sigh and grab everything and shove it into a drawer. I go to the door and unlock it.

"What?" I ask.

She's still in her silk pajamas and slippers. Her hair a big mess of blonde. "What?" I ask again.

"Where were you? Its almost three in the morning."

I sigh and wipe the hair from my face. "I'll make sure I come in more quietly next time," I say annoyed, trying to shut the door.

She puts her hand against the door stopping me. "Cassidy! I want to know why you're coming in so late."

"It doesn't matter why, be glad I came back at all. "You know your better than this. Don't ruin your life like that boy did."

"You don't know anything! You don't know the first thing about me!" I slam my fist against he door. "You don't give a damn about me!"

I hear a door creak down the hall. "What's with all the yelling?" my father asks.

"Nothing, just leave me the fuck alone!" I feel the heat in my face, I want to yell and scream forever. I hate them, I want to leave and never come back.

My mother puts a hand to my arm. "Cassidy, this isn't you. I didn't raise you to speak that way."

I jerk from her grip. "I hate you! I hate you both. You make me want to die! You make me want to slit my own fucking wrists."

She gasps, tears beginning to fall down her face, I could care less. "Cassie, we love you. How can you say that?" she asks.

"Don't call me that!" I scream. "I'm not Cassie. I say it because its true. Owen is the only person who loves me!"

"Cassidy that isn't true, "' my father says. "You better apologize this instant. If I had half a mind, I put you out this instant for speaking to us like this. A few nights on the street will do you some good."

"Fine!" I slam my door against the wall going into my room gathering my things as fast as I can. My mother is still at the doorway because I can hear her sniffling.

"Gerald, stop her! Cassidy, don't leave. Please, we'll be better to you, I swear." she cries.

I pause for a moment to hear what she has to say, "I thinks its better if I leave. I think dad's right, it'll do me some good."

"Now Cass, I didn't mean it. Your mother wants you to stay, now stay."

I turn back around and grab up the bag I packed, then turn to face them. "I'm doing this for all of us. It won't be long a promise. I just want to see if it'll be better for me. I'm not a child, I can go if I want."

"Gerald." my mother screeches, " Do something, my baby is trying to leave!"

"Cassidy, where will you go? Its in the middle of the night." my father says.

"I'll be back in the morning," I say, quietly.

Neither of them say a word. I guess their taking in what I said. My chest feels so tight, I feel like I'm going to puke. I need to get out of here, get some air.

"You won't be allowed back if you leave, " my father says.

I shrug. " Fine, if the door is locked, I'll know your decision." I turn away and begin to go down the stairs.

"Gerald look what you've done! Our only child and your kicking her out into the streets! Where will she-," I slam the door behind me, cutting off their argument. I don't know where I'll go, but I know anywhere is better then here. I guess I could go see Owen, but I just left from there. Could I really go back? And after I upset him so much?

I guess I had no choice. It was the middle of the night, and I was really hoping to get some sleep. My insomnia seems to be non existent now.

Three years ago…

2: 45 pm

I walked out of my last period English class and hoped I could run to the bathroom to hide before Vince found me, but he was standing outside of the classroom. Causally leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. My eyes went wide when I saw hi, but he just smirked and come over to me and kissed me sweetly. Well, it might seem that way on the outside, but really I felt disgusted, I cringed and turned my head away. He just laughed and took my books.

"Have a good class?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I'm tired."

He nodded and followed me as I went to my locker. " I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, it was your first time, I should have been more gentle." He said as I entered the combination into my locker.

"Is that what you think is bothering me? That you didn't make my first time nice for me?" I asked.

He nodded. "I was totally hammered. I wasn't really thinking. You have to believe me." he begged.

I shook my head and went back to rummaging in my locker. "You raped me, and you liked it." you knew what-," he grabbed my chin before I could finish.

" I told you that's not how it happened. You say anything about that and I'll fucking kill you."

I nod and take my books from him and put them into the locker. Tears begin to fall down my cheeks, but I quickly wipe them away. I close my locker and head toward the bus parking lot. Near the doors I see Randi standing there like she always does. Maybe, she's forgiven me.

Vince grabs my arms and leads me to the student parking lot. I see Randi shake her head and head toward her bus. " I'll give you a ride home." he said.

I follow him obediently and get into his car when he open the door. He comes around to his side and gets in. he sighed or a minute and then turns to me. " Want to go to my place?" he asked.

I know what' s coming. I cant do it again! I'll die! "No… I cant. I'm grounded. I have to go straight home."

He nods. "Fine, but you owe me." he said. I nod and hug my book bag closer to me.

He drives with his hand on my thigh. I hate the feeling. I don't want him to touch me, I want him to leave me alone. I want to forget that night and move on, but he won't let me. Then, he turns down and unfamiliar street. " Um… I live on Chestnut Blvd."

He smiles and looks at me. " I know."

I look around and he's taking us into the woods. " Vince, I have to be home. If I'm late I'll be grounded longer."

He stops the car and puts it in park. He leans over the consol to kiss me, but I turn away. "Vince, you got me enough trouble.

He shakes his head. "I just want some time with you. Your so incredibly sexy, I can barely contain myself."

"Vince, this is too fast, I did what you wanted me to do. I don't want to do this now."

"Come on. One quickie, then we can leave." he said.

I shake my head. " I'm not in the mood." I said.

He smiled and kisses my neck. "I can put you in the mood."

"No, just take me home." I lean back in my seat and cross my arms.

He grabs my arms and squeezes as hard as he can. "If your not in the mood to fuck, then you better give me some head." he squeezes even harder.

"Ow! Vince, your hurting me! Stop!" I cried.

"Then get fuck me with your mouth you slut! Or I'll break the fucking arm!"

Tears pour down my face. " I don't want to!" I cried even harder.

"YOU fucking better!" he said.

"I don't know how. I've never did it before."

He lets go of my arms and lets his seat go back all the way. "I'll tell you what to do." he smirked.

I nod and crawl between his legs. He unzips himself and he guides me to do the rest.

All I know, is that by the time he's released down my throat I'm ready to gag. I wished I had a gun cause I'd kill the basterd and then I'd kill myself.

**Reviews make me write faster!**


	18. Chapter 18

I am so cold. I can hardly breathe. Where am I?

"Cassidy, get down here this minute!" I basically fall out of bed and drag myself down the stairs. She's at the bottom of the stairs with an angry look on her face.

"What?"

"Don't give me that tone. You're in big trouble. You better explain this." She hands me a piece of paper, and by the looks of it, it's my report card. "What about it?" I asked.

"Alright young lady, I've had enough of this. Why do you have a C in biology and a D in Algebra?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't realize."

"Really? Well, you can sit in your room for another two weeks to help you realize." I knew she was hoping this get to me, but it wasn't. I was happy to stay in my room.

The next day at school I tried to avoid Vince, but he always finds me. "Cass, are you coming over after school today?" he was asking me to put on a show for the school, but I knew that I had no choice.

"I want to, but I got grounded yesterday. I'm not allowed out."

He looks pissed. He runs his hands through his hair and tries to keep control. I know I have it coming when we finally are alone. "That's fine sweetie, maybe this weekend." He says through his teeth. I know he wants to slap me across the face and stomp the hell out of me, but he can't do it in front of everyone.

I nod and he takes my books and leads me to my class. He kisses me sweetly and whispers, "I'm going to fucking kill you, you slut."

I nod and try to put on a fake smile. I know that during lunch he's going to drag me out behind the school and do what he really thinks I deserve. I have to mentally prepare myself for the blows hours ahead of time so I don't freeze up and make him angrier.

I know this isn't what life is supposed to be like. I know that coming to school shouldn't feel like physical torture. I know that having nightmares every night for months isn't normal. I know wearing long sleeves when its eighty five degrees outside to cover up my bruises is not normal. I want out, badly. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to leave him and go on with my life instead of being scared. I would do anything to get away from him. So do I tell him? Do I tell him that I want nothing to do with him and that if he threatens me I'm going to the police with my bruises as proof? No of course not. He beat the living shit out of me. He wouldn't even need to think about it. But it had to be done. I had to end it, today.

We met in the lunch room like we always do; he was starting to lead me away from the cafeteria before I stopped him. "Vince, I need to talk to you."

"Now?"

"Yeah, before we go any further I need to tell you that I… um think we should break up."

His hold on my arms was tightening and I felt like I was going to scream. "What the fuck? I never did a damn thing to you and you want to break up?" the whole cafeteria was looking at us and I tried to find the courage not to care.

"It's not working Vince. My parents think you take away too much time from my studies."

"What the fuck do they have to do with us? Are you fucking cheating on me you stupid slut?!"

I shook my head furiously. "No, I just thought it be easier if we broke up now then later when you had to go to college."

"What?! Fine I don't give a fuck! I can have any piece of ass that I want." He stormed away leaving me shaking. Everyone was staring at me and I felt like I was going to throw up. I ran to the bathroom while everyone laughed.

I hadn't had anything to eat so I just sat in the stall and took deep breaths. It's over, I'm free.

I heard the door open and three girls come in laughing. "Oh my god did you see that? She is such a loser!" one said.

"I know. She must have finally realized that she wasn't good enough for him."

"I don't know why he was so mad for. Everyone knows that he slept with her after Justin's party; he just kept her around because she was a freshman and he felt guilty. Who does she think she is dumping him with some lame ass excuse about her grades?"

"I heard that she was sleeping with half the baseball team behind Vince's back."

"I know. She's such a slut. Knowing Vince he won't do anything to get back at her."

"We should do it for him. Give her a taste of her own medicine."

"Yeah." They all laughed and their voices began to fade as door closed behind them.

When I was sure they were gone I ran out of the bathroom just as the bell rang. Word got around school that I was the biggest slut that ever lived and I broke up with Vincent Young. So naturally, I was being laughed and stared at. The laughing got worse the faster I ran. I hated this, I wanted to die.

I reached the stairs and ran faster than I ever have before, until my footing was lost and I went falling down the stairs. They laughed as I fell, and even as I hit my head off the corner of a stair and everything suddenly began to get dark, the laughing continued as a steady stream of blood dripped from my temple.

I wasn't cold anymore. It smelled funny, wherever I was. I opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. I was in a hospital. What happened to me? The last thing I remember.... I was in the park, and I was so tired, so I lay down for a minute. Wait! I can't be here! I have drugs in my system, not to mention the track marks on my arms. No way! I have to get out of here!

I crawl out of bed and slip on my clothes that are folded neatly. I open my door and look around. No one seems to be watching me, so I very casually walk down the hall with my bag and out the door like nothing ever happened.

Three years ago…

My mother is holding and kissing my right hand while my father just holds the other. I actually feel like they care.

"Mr. and Mrs. McBain, Cassidy has suffered a concussion to her right temple and several broken ribs." My mother clutches my hand to her face and begins to sob.

"Will she be alright?" my mother asks.

"Yes, she will be fine. Falls like this are common, but there are other injuries… that are concerning me." My blood begins to run cold. "Cassidy has some bruising that I'm finding very concerning."

"But she fell down a flight of stairs, wouldn't bruising be common also?" my father asks.

He nods. "Yes, but these are much older bruises, some weeks old."

"Are you saying someone has been hurting my daughter?" my father asks.

"Well, under normal circumstances I say no, but the bruises on her arms were made by a hand and the bruises on her sides look to be made by Cassidy being kicked in the sides."

My mother looks at me. "Cassidy, has someone hurt you?" I shake my head furiously at all of them.

"No, I fell."

"Cassidy, these injuries are hard to ignore and even harder to pass off as simply an accident. Now we just want to help you, tell us what happened and we can make sure it never happens again."

I begin to cry and looked at my father. "Daddy I swear no one hit me." I cried. "I fell."

"Cassidy, no one is going to get you in trouble. We just want to help you."

"No, no, no!" I screamed. "I fell!"

He looked at me calmly. "Mr. and Mrs. McBain, can I talk to you outside privately?" My parents nodded. "We'll be with you in a moment Cassidy."

They all left the room and spoke just loud enough for me to hear. "I think Cassidy may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. It's not my specialty so I can't be sure but she shows the signs clearly. Has she had any trouble at home recently?"

I saw my mother nod through the window. "She's been very detached from us. She's been depressed and she has trouble sleeping and when she does sleep she has terrifying nightmares."

"Every time we try to talk to her about it she gets nervous and denies everything. She can hardly eat and is startled very easily." My father says. "She gets angry every time I talk to her about it. She doesn't have any interest in anything she used to. She doesn't even talk to her best friend anymore. We don't know what to do for."

The doctor nods. "I know the name of a doctor who specializes in teen mental health. She has had many successful cases just like Cassidy and I think the sooner the better."

They came back into the room and took their places. "Cassidy, tell us what you remember just before you fell." The doctor asked.

"I was going to class and tripped." I looked at my parents. "It was an accident."

"Tell us about the other accidents."

"I'm clumsy. I lose my footing a lot." I said.

"Do you think maybe someone may be hurting you?"

I shook my head. "No, of course not, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Cassidy, I know this may be hard to deal with, but how you're coping with this isn't healthy. You need to tell us what happened so you can get help. Was it a teacher?"

"No! Leave me alone! Nothing happened."

He nodded. "We'll need to keep her over the weekend, but then you can take her home."

My parents nodded and took my hands again.

I felt my mother's hot tears on my hand. "Just tell us what happened, baby." She mumbled into my hand.

"Nothing happened."

Randi came to see me the next day. My parents called her and had her keep me company while they were at work. She brought me a 'get well' balloon and flowers.

"How are you feeling?" she asked

I shrugged. "Better I guess. What are you doing here?"

She tucked her hair behind her ear. "I wanted to see if you were okay and to give you some company. You came to see me when I had my tonsils removed, remember?"

I turned my head to the window. "I remember."

She sighed and sat in chair. "They said you fell, but I heard at school that some girl tripped you. Is that true?"

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters! Cassidy, you're my best friend and something has happened to you. They need to know that someone tried to hurt you."

"Randi, life isn't that easy. They wanted revenge and they got it. Just leave it at that."

She threw the flowers onto the bed. "Call me when my best friend comes back."

**Sorry for the obscenely long wait. When started this I was in a very dark place and really didn't want to go back. I thought that I should just not finish it, but then I remember that many reviewers said they could understand how the character felt and I realized that was how I felt for a long time. I want to give hope to those people that you're not the only one out there and even though Cass's situation is far beyond what any of us will know, she still suffers from a depression very common among teenagers, and I want this story to be dedicated to those who have ever felt like you're the only one who wished they were dead. There is hope out there I promise you. This story will have a closer I hope you will help those seek solace in their lives. I thank those who have continued to follow this story. Keep it up and I'll have a chapter for you in the next week or so.**


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